Friday, February 04, 2011
So things in my life have been very interesting. Grad school started again this week. The bf has been doing some djing. We've been going out to the city a lot, which is new cuz i had never been to a club. He recently started talking to a friend from middle school again. Shes a stripper, but seems like a very nice girl. She doesnt act inappropriately around him and is very respectful of me, so thats great. Her club is looking for a dj, so bf went there last nite to meet with the manager (his friend wasnt working). When he came home said he doesnt want to work there cuz the girls are too pretty and he doesnt like being that tempted. He said 15/17 of the girls are pretty and they "arent like me". I said big like me? He said ya.... when we've been going out to clubs i feel like i stand out and once again like i'm trapped in a big body thats not mine, but my self esteem cant win against strippers. When he was there with the manager at the vip table two girls gave him free lap dances and all the girls came over and chatted before they danced on the little stage by their table. He said they were all pretty professional and the place is def nicer than most, but i still cant help feeling worthless. Like he was honest about everything and nice when he came home and said he isnt disappointed or anything when he sees me but i just feel so inadequate. He is a big guy (6'3, 300 lbs), but everyone is attracted to him and guy weight is different than girl weight. Plus hes muscular. People dont hit on me when we are out and compared to these other girls i dont see why he would be with me. Our 7 yr anniv is the end of march, but i just dont feel good about myself at all. I weighed myself this morn and am at 192. The good news is that a month and a half ago i was at the same weight. For not exercising or watching food im glad i didnt gain. My dad and other friend who i havent seen for a while said my face looks thinner, but i donno. I know what i need to do, but its so hard. I go thru this every year. I need to figure out something cuz eventually hes just gonna leave me. If i dont like myself y would he, u know?