Thursday, February 03, 2011
I ate within my calorie range today, but it felt like a restriction. I wanted to eat more, especially tonight after dinner. I'm not sure (and how is this even possible????) if I was really hungry, or just craving food like a habit, like a post-meal cigarette. I'm more inclined to say I was just missing my habit.
I find myself quite annoyed at myself for being such an addict. Addict, addict, addict. It's an awful word. My grandfather was an alcohol addict. His son, my dad, was both a food addict and a bit of an alcohol addict, especially in his younger life. My mother described how he ate all the time in the evening. That's what I do. I don't drink much alcohol.
You know when I started really putting on weight?? Right after I got married. My husband worked until 9 pm every night. I cooked dinner for him like a good new wife (and I was all of 20 years old) but I was hungry at 6pm so usually ate a dinner while I cooked. And then I felt bad about not waiting and I ate with him again when he got home. That only went on for one year, but it set a precedent, and not a good one. And added about 10-15 lbs. It was around this time he told me he "just wanted my 124 pound baby back". Not that it stuck in my head or anything for 35 years.....
One of the things my therapist suggested was to just write in a journal every day - whatever comes to mind. That's why this is a bit random, perhaps more negative than Spark would like, but this is what flew off my fingers as I sat here.
My trainer suggested whenever I want to "do something bad" I should consciously choose to "do something good" instead. I haven't really tried this technique but I think I will.
My name is knitstrong and I am a food addict. Today I ate on plan.