Thursday, February 03, 2011
Lately running has been like a bad boyfriend. The good parts (wink wink) are still really good, but the bad parts keep getting worse. He's a commitment-phobe. He hurts me and then tells me I'm the one to blame. Worst of all, it was so hard to get him out of my head and move on.
Let me explain.
Here are my goals for 2011:
Train for and run a 10k, March 12th.
Train for and run a Half Marathon, Sept. 11th.
Train for and backpack my husbands favorite Utah trail with him, July 24th.
Big goals, considering I just started running in May, 2010. When I was 280 lbs! And in the beginning it was puppy love! I felt so good, my confidence soared, my body changed. I took on longer and longer distances until I finally ran a 5k that blew my expectations out of the water. Running and I could not have been happier. But then I started asking for a little more commitment and that's when he started getting squirrly. I could see us running 5 miles. Is that so much to ask? And it's not like I was asking for a ring, just 3.6 miles. But it hurt. My hip starting hurting so bad. I backed off. He wasn't ready (in retrospect, I can see that I wasn't ready) but I didn't want to lose him. So I gave him space and I spent a lot of time with my old elliptical friend.
Things started getting good again, I could trust the running and made new plans to get to 5 miles, only a little slower, so as not to put too much pressure on my BF. Things started to look up. I was telling myself that our short break-up was actually good for us, helped me understand and respect him more. Jeez, I even announced to everyone I knew that we were going to run a half marathon! So you can imagine how embarrassed and confused I was when it happened again! I was hurt, again! It happened at the gym, like a bad date movie. I thought we were there to have a good time, I though that night was going to be THEE night, we could finally take it to the next level. But as soon as I started running I could see that something wasn't right. I knew. I just knew.
I spent the next few days nursing my wounds (this time a painful knee). I made the mistake of looking at old pictures of us. I called all my friends who were currently in running relationships to get advice and sympathy. I wore my old running shoes around town, like nothing was wrong. That was the hardest couple of days of my exercising career.
But I couldn't NOT exercise. I love exercise, I believe in exercise. Exercise does good things for my body and soul. I realized that it wasn't my BF I was lamenting the loss of, it was the loss of the dream that I could be athletic, that I could have a strong, healthy body that could do amazing things. Well, running isn't the ONLY athletic option out there for a girl with a dream like mine, why was I so set on marrying it? You know, when I was with running I never even LOOKED at another exercise. Sure, I was attracted to Yoga and Spinning, but I was so dedicated to running that I had no time or energy left for them. So you know what I did? I made a date with Spinning. I even wore the same outfit I used to wear on my dates with running. I didn't know what to expect, I went into the whole thing with an open mind. I just wanted to allow myself to experience a good workout. And I did. I had such a good time! I felt things I never felt with running. It felt so good that the very next day I made a date with Yoga. Loved it! And the day after that I had a very casual encounter with a rowing machine, elliptical machine and gentle incline on the treadmill, all in the same day! You wouldn't believe what all that "changing it up" did for my body, either. I lost 3 pounds in one week. My core felt stronger. I raced up three flights of stairs at school without breaking a sweat.
I'm going to be okay without running. There are other fish in Gold's Gym sea. And you know what? I'm in no hurry to settle down with any of them. I don't need a commitment, I don't need a time line or a guarantee about my future. I just need to move my body, breath hard and break a sweat for 4-5 hours a week.
I have to tell you something though, and I hope you won't judge me. I do plan on calling running again. In fact, I did 3 miles with him yesterday and it was great! Like I said, the good stuff is still good! But this time it really will be a "No strings attached" relationship. I'm not going to push it too far or too often, just when I get the "itch".
New goals for 2011:
Challenge my body in new and and exciting ways all the time.