Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Day 3. Yesterday I ate 25 calories over my limit. I still consider it a success, considering I'm sure I was consuming at least 500-800 calories a day over that limit just a couple of weeks ago. But that's not why I'm blogging.
I keep hearing about drug addicts like Charlie Sheen, and in some ways I identify with these people. Even though I don't consume anything illegal, the idea that I treat food as a drug and live a food-addicted life makes sense to me.
I know I eat out of anger - as when I interpret a comment as an attack against the way I eat or look or act, and respond with the food equivalent of a middle finger.
I know I eat as a way of procrastination. Really difficult work assignment? My response - what's in the pantry to snack on? (I can't be expected to work and eat at the same time, can I???) Bills to be paid? Closets to be cleaned? Exercise on the schedule? Let's snack first.
Sure I eat as celebration -birthdays, holidays, graduations, we-made-it-to-the-weekend, etc. Honestly, this type of eating doesn't worry me as much. I can usually eat appropriately IN PUBLIC, or if not, if all the other inappropriate eating were under control, this would just be a blip on the eating radar.
Here's one thing I worry about: Am I really at "rock bottom"? Do I need to be? Have I REALLY decided I want to change my eating? I'm not sure - maybe I've decided to do this for a while, not forever. That's scary. That's how addicts think. I KNOW in my heart I NEED to do this. I KNOW my health and therefore my life depend upon it. I know my ability to live a full and wonderful life depend upon it. And yet I continue to question my commitment and still want to eat unhealthily and sit on my behind. I saw a psychologist to explore this for a while. It didn't really work for me. Could have been the person I worked with. Could have been me. She wanted to focus on the anger and really that's just a part of it. Maybe I should have looked for someone else. I don't know.
So here's where I am in my little pea-brain. I will do this one day at a time. I don't care why. I don't care if I'm really not committed. I'll just log the calories and work on increasing my exercise. For whatever reason.
One. Day. At. A. Time. Today I will eat on plan.