Monday, January 31, 2011
I have been SO enjoying my Spark discovering... (as i was telling both a friend and another Sparkie, I feel like when i 1st discovered internet - going for HOURS from link to link to link, and thinking HOW did i get here?? (and WHAT time is it?!?!)
I read Sparkpages that inspire me (MANY), posts i relate to, posts i soooo wish i would have had the words to say ... and i am inspired by young women getting it, sooo young as in WOW!!!
(man, there are some things i would have like to 'get' in my early teens... - but better late than never :) - and seeing such inspiration, i truly feel ANYTHING is possible, in MANY aspects of our lives - because perhaps it all starts with how we treat our bodies (thus ourselves)
ok... are you thinking: helllo?!?!? - do you have a point???... and what's the link with the title....
YEP!!! POINT!!! I saved a Spark person... - after seeing a few of her blog entries: her words, her status, hit so close to home, to feelings i have so felt, many times, since my teenage years. I must say that at 1st, i resisted, because i thought i KNOW those, i want to pull AWAY, but, for some reason, i'd see another comment of hers, her picture, back on her page........ and... (ok, corny, i believe there are no coincidences in life: life speaks to us (like i heard Michael Pollan's name twice in the past 2 days; i googled him today (ohhh... just share ONE of his rules: the whiter the bread, the closer to your death bed (ok, maybe not totally exactly worded that way, but it made me smile and i LOVE smiling!!)
ok... the inspiring Spark person: she (as I) struggle with emotional/binge eating. In my case, i think since i'm maybe 13 years old.
And i DID save her.
I emailed her (well basically so she's not creeped out that i saved her... - so to explain...). At 1st I explained at length (well.. from the length of this entry, i'm sure you don't doubt my word :)))) ) BUT i erased: i thought... a. i don't want to depress her.. and b. why would she care - so i kept it really short (so if she is reading - yep, if you thought THAT was long, you should have seen the 1st draft!!!!! :) )
and she ANSWERED.
I don't have her answer in front of me, but basically it was that, by sharing, by meeting other Spark people, it gave her the knowledge and strength to know that she was not alone in her struggles - ok, i just went back to look at her answer to get the EXACT wording, because it contributed to a AH-HA moment for ME....... if it can for anyone else... she said something like not alone with 'crazy eating'
When i received her answer, something clicked.
I could not word it right away.
It was NOT that i knew i was not alone - there are WAY too many books on the subject.
BUT AT THAT MOMENT, I REALIZED THAT I HAD ALWAYS BEEN ASHAMED of it (i felt it, but didn't WORD it)
i've eaten stress/emotions/anger you name it, since i'm say 13.
did i choose it??
i think i didn't have WORDS to express many of the things i was feeling
i know that in my family, you expressed happy good feelings, ANGER was outlawed. But.. anger.... is NORMAL... - sooooo.. if you can't express it... what do you do?? (MAN I ***** WISH***** my answer would have been: YOU RUN MARATHONS, but i ate (i learned that in a student exchange - WHAT a lesson hey??? - and am i a good student or what?!?!? STILL doing it...
i am certainly more sensitive than many - i am affected by people's bad moods, people's emotions..; i don't want to disappoint, don't want to cause any discomfort, don't want to - WHAT a prison!!! (and how much food!!!)
stress?? eat (and.. honestly, in that case, i have to say, the reflex is SOOO entrenched that i don't even VERBALIZE the stress, i feel the hunger (crazy hey??)
so my answer has been food.
because i was following the rules. not rocking the boat.
but the whole time, i felt ashamed
for following the rules - but that's what i ALWAYS do, follow rules, don't rock the boat, swallow (litteraly)
so perhaps, somewhere inside of me
i was not being true to me
I don't want to bury me anymore
Even if i don't yet have the tools, to SAY everything i feel
(one could say i am a bitch in the making :))) (kidding!! :) )
could i have done things differently??
honestly, i've always been so afraid of confrontation, i don't think so.
especially very young
i think i feel up to the challenge (it's reallllly something for me just to be expressing my opinion in comments on blog pages.... (crazy...)
as for the shame???
it's the 1st time i've put a word on it
(just to give you an idea - i had brought a book to work to read during lunch hour, and i had REMOVED THE SLIPCOVER so that people would not know what it's about (the book is called 'Spark' - KIDDING!!!!!!!! :))) - (I think it was the solution, never diet again
but so what if someone saw????
but that's shame.
after putting a word on it - i don't know what happened inside
it was like silence
it's what like I had put a word on this prison
you know how they say, release a secret and it will set you free??
in that silence i thought
Would i have felt ashamed if i had A.D.D.???
Would i have felt ashamed - i don't know, you get the picture
No. I would have accepted it, dealt with it to make the most of it, and move on, move on with life.
And... at that moment, i think i moved from shame to acceptance
i do binge/eat emotionally
i am sensitive, i've put OTHERS' feelings and welfare before my own, i don't know or am shy/afraid to say things
i acknowledge that (i could difficultly deny it, heck i've been doing it for so long)
i acknowledge it.
that being said, is that the only way
i has been for me
but it's been SUCH a painful journey - it CAN'T be the only way
it would be difficult to read with dyslexia. i would acknowledge it, and have to learn new ways (wow, that would be difficult for me - i sooooo enjoy reading)
same way. i acknowledge.
and i want new ways
ways that will empower me, not belittle me
ways that may cause discomfort in others, but i am not responsible for all and everything
and their discomfort may not even be that great or even exist!!! (and if it's THAT great - they'll always be able to eat it out :))))))) - no, honestly THEY'll figure it out. Not me.
Embracing that part of me instead of disowning it, has either made me feel stronger, or more loving of myself. One way or another, i do seem to feel stronger.
It's not longer shameful
it's just me
Ok, so seems like my journey is now done (KIDDING!!!!!!!!!! :) )
it's just continuing... like life :)
AND... i have read in so many places about the '100 days' - i think it may continue... with a 100 days tomorrow... on a few things (because, in my case, honestly the '21 days' theory to set a habit - not happening... but 100??? - 100 could very well be my 21 :)
thanks for reading (at this point, i am basically talking to myself :))) )
a nice evening all... with snow and all...