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    BILLIEB1120  
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Musings on depression and weight loss

Friday, January 28, 2011

Yuk! My old friend depression has tried to set in again. I haven't completed any task that wasn't specifically written on a to do list and some days I couldn't even manage that. I'm trying to pull myself out but it is slow going at least I noticed early this time.
So as for my goal of losing 10 pounds by 2/14 it wont happen! I know it wont. I cant manage to exercise or eat right and all I want to do is sleep. I'm making better choices lately. I grabbed water instead of soda at the gas station but used it to wash down a snickers, I've added a pear and apple to my dinners the last 2 nights and have snacked on protein bars when I had them handy but over all its not great.
When I start getting depressed the first thing to go is motivation. It isn't because I dont want to accomplish anything-I do I actually make huge plans- its because I become paralyzed by fear. What do I fear? I fear not only failing to reach my goals but I also fear REACHING my goals. Sounds odd huh? Fearing reaching your goal? Fear of accomplishment? But really it makes sense. When you make a change of any kind your life has to change and change is scary. Is the change going to have a positive impact on your life? realationships? stress level? What will happen? If I fail I will have overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame and disappointment in myself but these are feelings I have become very familiar with over the years. So familiar in fact that I sit them a place at the dinner table every holiday!
How do I overcome a fear of success? How do I beat my depression this time around? Its a very fine balancing act. Almost as delicate of work as coaxing a rabbit from its hole for petting. A little change here a little change there but no quick moves no huge movements. The only force allowed is forcing myself to leave the house daily with no exceptions. I have to do this because when my depression gets bad so does my anxiety. The worst thing for a person with depression and social anxiety to do is to stay home! So I continue to make the small changes that will increase my happy level and decrease my stress level. The biggest of these is exercise which I fail on most days. I know very well that if I exercise every day my stress and anxiety level are much lower but I also am too hard on myself when my body doesn't do exactly what I want it to do the way I want it to do it. The best answer to this is walking. Walking I can stick with, walking I can do anywhere anytime, walking is meditative. But my competitive brain says that walking is not a challenge for my body, walking doesn't leave me sore. I try to ignore that part. So knowing all of this tomorrow we will start our new goal of trying to walk the distance from our house to Branson-where we hope to vacation this summer. We bought new pedometers, made a great poster to keep track and are ready to go!
Food wise it is sooo easy to "treat" depression with carbs and comfort food. I'm from eating families. The solution for all that ails is to eat something preferably keep eating it until you feel better or forget why you started eating in the first place. I'm striving to make menus and keep us surrounded by healthy foods. A big plus the oven is broke!!! LOL
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BILLIEB1120 1/31/2011 12:05AM

    LOL Nikki I love you! I'm doing what I can and I guess that is what matters! Trying to drop the perfectionism habit again too lol But things are shaping up and it looks like February is going to be AWESOME!!!!! emoticon Rainbow I'm right there with ya! Small changes small changes. When I talk myself out of a full workout I then say okay then at least do some plies or a few yoga poses and it reminds me why I enjoy my workouts in the first place. Somedays I have to focus on how much stronger I feel afterwards instead of the scale/tape measure/skinny jeans!

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NIKKI785 1/29/2011 4:15PM

    Your self-awareness of what is going on with you is huge. Just because it is happening and just because you didn't reach your goal DOES NOT mean you failed at anything! You do such a wonderful job of recognizing what is happening and doing the small things it takes to pull yourself back to "normal" (quotes because you and I both know there is no real normal for us!) Keep taking the baby steps and get that rabbit out of the hole.

Love you and miss you....and remember, we're not crazy, we're just a little unwell!

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RAINBOWFALLS 1/29/2011 8:22AM

    I think it is so great that you are aware and trying to make small changes. I have felt like I'm in a bit of a rut with the dark days of winter still upon us. I agree that exercise would make me feel better, but some days I talk myself right out of it - it seems like to much of an effort. I am starting by making small goals again. Don't beat yourself up - you are making better choices - maybe not all but that is better than none.

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