I will always feel fat.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
People tell me I'm crazy every time they hear that I want to drop about 10 pounds. I've been told numerous times that I don't need to lose ten pounds. But, I now what I weigh and what I see when I look in the mirror probably doesn't match what you see when you look at me. I feel fat, and I feel fat because I know I can live a little bit healthier than I am. No matter what I weigh or what I look like, I'll probably always feel fat. That's just how it is for a former fat person. You can't erase the insecurities and embarrassment felt when you are fat. The fat disappears, but the emotions stick around. You never want to be fat again, and that fear constantly makes you feel like you could be doing better, you could be looking better, you could weigh less.
My feelings were reconfirmed today when I received my Runner's World Magazine. An article written this month was on this exact topic. The author had been fat and had lost weight, and even when his doctor told him to be careful not to lose too much weight, he felt fat. He gained some of the weight back and then went on a journey to re-lose it. When he'd dropped thirty pounds he still felt fat.
I was 205 pounds. I have pictures showing me what I looked like then and I have pictures showing what I look like now. I can see the difference in the pictures. Yet, it never fails, when I look in the mirror I still feel like that 205 pound person. I still see all this fat on my body despite my insane exercise routine and my mainly healthy diet. Do I have body issues? Obviously. When I reach my goal weight will they go away? Probably not. However, I do realize that there are certain weights my body should never reach. I know I will never weigh 110 pounds. I know I will never weigh 120 or 125 pounds, and I'm ok with that. I don't, however, feel it is unreasonable for me to attempt to reach 135 pounds. But, everyone else seems to think so (my doctor is ok with it, so shouldn't everyone else be?).
Even though I realize that I no longer resemble that 205 pound person, she's still there inside of me, haunting me. Even though I see her every time I look in the mirror, I know it's a facade. But, she's still there. She's not going away. In some ways this is a good thing - it helps prevent me from gaining all the weight back. I mean, it has been 10 years and I am still 62 pounds lighter than I was (with a few uphill battles in between). That's an accomplishment and I should be proud (don't get me wrong, I am), but I still feel like it's not good enough.
Will I ever feel happy with myself? Will I ever think my body has reached an acceptable point? Will I ever not care what the scale says when I step on it? Will I ever be able to control my insane binging when I have a rough emotional time? Will I ever see my real self when I look in a mirror? Will I ever not feel fat?
There's only one way to find out, and that's to keep trudging along, to keep working at being the best person I can be.