Thursday, January 27, 2011
I have been feeling very ‘lonely’ lately… due to a lot of things... stress, personal issues, struggles with food. I fear that I am looking at my goal too far ahead and it’s becoming overwhelming. It’s going to be so hard to get there. I feel…. Defeated by myself….my bad thoughts. I have a hard time staying positive with myself. I know I am doing well… I work hard at the gym 6 days a week. I am eating better now than I have in my entire life. It’s so hard though. I struggled to motivate myself to get out of bed this morning. It’s my fault. I should have gone to bed earlier. It’s really hard doing this on my own. Completely changing the way you have thought and been taught about food your entire life is a difficult thing to do. It’s confusing, but it makes sense once you ‘get’ it and it ‘clicks’ in. IDK. I should be focusing on the small victories instead of obsessing about the goal. I went to a PR party last night… and I didn’t have even one of the unhealthy snacks that were available…. Chips, Pretzels, COOKIES, Pop… I passed on all of them. I drank my water and when I left I ate my Clementine orange instead…. That’s a small victory… right? Let me think of some more positives instead of negatives…. I haven’t missed one day at the gym in 3 weeks… that’s pretty good... especially when every other day I’m doing a fitness competition routine which kicks my ass…lol. I looked in the mirror and noticed myself that I appear slimmer… which was kinda cool. My boss also noticed and mentioned it… which I thought was great because a lot of people won’t. They won’t say ‘hey, you look slimmer – good job” they just keep it to themselves… like they’re afraid to say it... because maybe, just maybe it will boost your confidence or something – god forbid. LOL. -especially some of the people closest to you. It’s always a random person or an acquaintance who is commending you on a job well done… not the people who it would mean the most coming from – idk.. and not that it doesn’t mean a lot coming from anybody.. it DOES and it is appreciated… but it’s a little different coming from somebody who knows you really well. Cye’s supportive though – which I am very thankful for… but he sees my struggle on a day to day basis. He sees how much I struggle and how hard I am working... and how badly I want this. But he’s been coming to the gym with me a little less every week… and that makes me scared. I am scared I won’t be able to do this alone... well… I guess I have though…. I just think it’s my negative thoughts getting the best of me. The best part of going to the gym though is – the energy. It’s amazing. I feel so…. PUMPED. It truly is a great feeling. The soreness of the muscles feels pretty dang good too… it’s how I know I’m doing well – got in a great workout – pushed myself… SO… this post was kind of… positive and negative… better than all negative I imagine. Love this quote..
“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
This is exactly how I am feeling right now. I am feeling defeated, but I know it will go away and is only permanent if I quit... and I’m not quitting
252 days until I leave for my wedding. =o]