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NIKKISEZ

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Conflicted

Monday, January 24, 2011

What a week. The work project hasn't quite gone as hoped (which isn't that much of a surprise) and it looks like I'll be spending at least another 3 days on it. I don't mind the project but so much time on the project means little time on SparkPeople. I'm really missing everyone. Plus, I have not been diligent about tracking my food. Confession: because I let stress get to me, I ate way too many mini Reese's. No doubt I'll see the repercussions of that on next week's weigh-in. But it was my choice & I can live with it.

On Wednesday, my partner told me that my father was going in on Friday to have some stents put into his heart. And that he has prostate cancer. Apparently, she got an update on Friday or Saturday that they tried to do the surgery but because one artery is 100% blocked and the other is something like 85% blocked, the surgeons are doing open heart surgery today. Why did my partner tell me? Because my parents & I are estranged, by my choice. But being the good daughter-in-law that she is, she still calls them & emails them. It's very complicated as to why I chose to cut ties with my parents. I don't wish them ill and I forgave them a long time ago. But I don't like them (yes, I said it) and being around them or even talking to them brings up such emotions that I can barely function. Did I mention that in a letter that my father wrote to me recently that he blamed me for causing him to eat so much that his weight is out of control (and thus the heart problems). He has diabetes. Heart problems run in his family. Yet I'm to blame for his bad health. Anyway, any prayers said for him would be appreciated. I don't really know what to do overall. Thank goodness I'm seeing my therapist this week so we can make a game plan.

To end this on a positive note, at yesterday's football watching party I was told that I was small. I did a double-take when my neighbor said that, and then I thanked her. Because of that inspiration, I went & did my run at the gym later that evening. I can do this! Those red cowboy boots will be mine.

Have a great week everyone!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • v WHOVIANPRINCESS
    I am sorry for the stress that your family has caused you. It is sad that as your father is seeking blame for his issues he turns to his daughter instead of his genes/bad health habits.

    One of my friends told me that she wants to shop with me because she always finds clothes that are awesome but would never fit her. She said I'll be her tiny little friend she can dress. It does feel good to have people say these things about us, even in passing. :) You look awesome, keep on pushing!
    2036 days ago
  • v DAVIDPRESCOTT
    I can only guess at the emotions swirling around - having a parent ill whilst you have decided to cut ties must be pulling you apart. emoticon

    And hows that letter? No disrespect to your Dad but I understand some who is 8 years old blaming everyone else for their problems but come on - at that age you must surely be able take ownership of your emotions and your actions.

    Keep at it - we've got your back:)
    2038 days ago
  • v BELLCAT22
    I'm sorry about your dad. Sending good, healthy thoughts his way.

    Good for you for going running!

    emoticon
    2038 days ago
  • v DEREONGODDESS
    I'm sorry about your father...I hope that his surgery goes well and that he has a quick recovery...I'm also sorry that he blames you for his bad health...I will pray for his health and for his closed way of thinking..I have family members that I don't like as well...I love them but I don't like their closed way of thinking and their behavior...It's something I learned to do early on in life..I hope you had a good visit with your therapist and that things work out soon for you and your family emoticon
    2039 days ago
  • v LIBRA73
    I am so sorry all this is going on. It looks like you are very honest with yourself, your feelings, and you have been in therapy to deal with it all! Good for you.

    Perhaps the chocolate won't cause a big stink with the scale! I think you handled it well. You didn't kill anyone! That is always good!
    2039 days ago
  • v RAVENSTORM27
    Family stuff can be tricky and it is not unusual for people to be unwilling to take direct responsibility for their own health or welfare. I have a very bad history with my family since my mother died and while it was a great source of anger and pain for many years, ultimately those feelings were hurting me more than anything they said or did. So I think that I can finally say that I've forgiven them but I absolutely do not want them back in my life. As people, they are the polar opposite of the people I am now surrounded by and I simply refuse to waste good time and energy on what can only be a purely surface relationship at best. I'm moving on.

    emoticon
    2039 days ago
  • v PRYDEQUEEN
    Send both of you some positive energy!
    2039 days ago
  • v FREES1
    such a shame that you are the one blamed - i hope you can at least forgive your father for his words and actions, his ignorance and his bitterness.. you will be all the freer for doing so...
    i do wish him luck and healing..

    glad you got your run in - and may the red boots be your soon
    2039 days ago
  • v CHELLES_BELLS
    I'm sorry about your father, both health and emotionally. I will send some good vibes his way and hope for the best outcome- for the both of you.
    2039 days ago
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