Monday, January 24, 2011
I, in the ongoing effort to be honest with myself, realize i need to get stuff out of my head, blogging is the answer. I have stopped for numerous reason/excuses. The main one is fear, fear of rejection, fear of being 'seen' weaknesses included. This will be the start of me sharing some of that fear so i can work through it.
I battle most hours feeling insecure about myself, i can take anything from anywhere or anyone and turn it into a negative self-belief. I try to come across self confident and self assured truth is i look for the approval of others to gain that belief about myself. I rush emotional bonding to find it. I look for it constantly. I try and control others to manipulate them into giving me that approval. this process is very much a subconscience action, it doesn't feel right yet it tries to manifest anyway. I am better at seeing it now than i was a year ago! It's not however where i want it to be. I still cannot seperate my ego response that the actions are disrespectful, I do however stop myself from acting on the thoughts more than a year ago. I'm trying to find a medium where i can express how i feel without the crush of it not being heard or responded to in a specific manner. Think I can find an on/off switch for it?
I'm fairly certain this new wave of emotional insecurity is being stirred up with the approaching anniversary of Stephanie's passing, two weeks from today my baby girl will have been gone 14 years, truth is i still miss her the same. Her hugs, smile and laughter, contagious on their own merit, were a life force i drew upon, for most of that time I've ran from finding it again. I believe feeling this loss, missing her and a willingness to be 'here' are factors that are helping me embrace finding that spirt again.