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an open book

Monday, January 24, 2011

I, in the ongoing effort to be honest with myself, realize i need to get stuff out of my head, blogging is the answer. I have stopped for numerous reason/excuses. The main one is fear, fear of rejection, fear of being 'seen' weaknesses included. This will be the start of me sharing some of that fear so i can work through it.

I battle most hours feeling insecure about myself, i can take anything from anywhere or anyone and turn it into a negative self-belief. I try to come across self confident and self assured truth is i look for the approval of others to gain that belief about myself. I rush emotional bonding to find it. I look for it constantly. I try and control others to manipulate them into giving me that approval. this process is very much a subconscience action, it doesn't feel right yet it tries to manifest anyway. I am better at seeing it now than i was a year ago! It's not however where i want it to be. I still cannot seperate my ego response that the actions are disrespectful, I do however stop myself from acting on the thoughts more than a year ago. I'm trying to find a medium where i can express how i feel without the crush of it not being heard or responded to in a specific manner. Think I can find an on/off switch for it?

I'm fairly certain this new wave of emotional insecurity is being stirred up with the approaching anniversary of Stephanie's passing, two weeks from today my baby girl will have been gone 14 years, truth is i still miss her the same. Her hugs, smile and laughter, contagious on their own merit, were a life force i drew upon, for most of that time I've ran from finding it again. I believe feeling this loss, missing her and a willingness to be 'here' are factors that are helping me embrace finding that spirt again.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Geez, I've been looking for this book for awhile! It finally showed up! Here, let me dust you off...

    I so totally *get* what you're saying. Insecurity is my middle name. No, that's not totally correct. Insecurity HAS BEEN and occasionally still is, my middle name.

    But, like you, I'm a work in progress and making progress. I have spent most of my life trying to be what everyone else needed so I would be accepted. Truth being told, I had no idea who I was. I had no identity. A spineless blob.

    Before I met Paul, I came across like I had the world by the balls. It was all a mirage. I didn't want anyone to know the damaged goods I was. I did what I had to do so I didn't self destruct. I had to find someone who believed in me, accepted me and all my flaws and NOT LEAVE before I could start believing in myself. I still have these moments when I expect Paul to say *uncle, I've had enough* ~ but his love is genuine and enduring. I finally had to stop running away from myself. Like I mentioned in my SP intro *I find me*. I'm not running anymore.

    Learning to love and accept yourself as the imperfect human that you are is the biggest gift you can give yourself. Then you can finally share the gift that is Ray with the people who love you.

    Your angel is watching you from heaven ~ watching her beloved father become whole. She must be very proud of the progress you're making. I know that I am.

    I've missed you! It's not very often that someone writes something that I relate to in such a way. Which is why, dear cement head, you tug at my heart with every word you write.

    As a matter of fact, you have inspired me in a subject matter for a blog... Stay tuned!

    Be good to yourself and everyone you love this moment ~ the only one that matters...

    2612 days ago
    Wow, I wish I could so eloquently put into words my thoughts like you did! It's obvious that you are learning and growing on your journey to better health!!! emoticon
    2613 days ago
  • LESLIES537
    “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.”
    ~ John Allen Paulos

    “When angels visit us, we do not hear the rustle of wings, nor feel the feathery touch of the breast of a dove; but we know their presence by the love they create in our hearts.”

    p.s. I'm proud of you for working through your fear. You continually amaze me. Thank you for setting such a good example for me and the others who are lucky enough to know you. XOXOXOXOXOXO

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2613 days ago
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