Sunday, January 23, 2011

Apparently I don't deal with stress well, and I don't know how to stop the main thing in my life that stresses me out. It's like this giant oncoming train and all I know to do, is run and stay ahead of it.

Everyday it's this dread of going to work, I really think that nearly all of my headaches are related to work. I had thought they were associated with the lighting over my workstation, and in part they are-- however when I was taking the Celexa (and feeling all sorts of happy) I had about 1 headache at work in 3 weeks. Really? I had to stop taking it, and I am back to daily headaches, within 1/2 hour of getting there I get one, take some Excedrin... and then promptly 4.5 hours later my head it killing me again and it's another round of Excedrin. I hate that my job gets me that stressed out. It's not a hard job, my coworkers are fairly good only one of them is hit or miss. My boss is great. Customers? Well... 3/4 of them are fine, no big deal... the other quarter of them serisouly make me hate my life.

And this is what it all boils down to... I am a nice girl.. I have an almost terrible desire to be self sufficient and work as hard as I need to to support myself and excel in my life.. If it is to be it is up to me.. I was raised to look at both sides of a situation and consider how others feel... I will go out of my way to help someone(if I can) and be more than happy to do so.

I see so much greed and lack of personal responsibility from these people... it's eating me alive. Laws set up by OUR government allow people to immigrate to our country, share our resources, and live with us. Great. Welcome to America.

PS. It is not okay to leech of our social security system, hoard food stamp benefits, and refuse to learn basic english words to completely daily errands(after being here for more then 3 years). Not having a job, and engaging in no programs to enable you to be able to hold a job to support yourself in the future is not an option. Better yet it is not okay to work under the table(to not have to claim it for tax return purposes or paying taxes on the income) and claim unemployment benefits on top of that untaxed cash. It is furthermore not acceptable to descend upon charities in the area and take more then you need. Leaving your coat (that already keeps you warm and cozy) in the car to pick up another coat EVERY SINGLE week is not okay!! ) Yes we want to help you but you make it so difficult to make sure everyone gets what they NEED. It is FREEZING here, and so so so many people ride public transit and walk, they need coats. Do you not comprehend that if YOU keep taking more there is less or even NONE for OTHERS?

I feel bombarded by all of this and it just enrages me. I understand our cultures are vastly different, but there is right and there is wrong. I am young and working my tail off to work my hours and learn skills to move up in the corporate ladder. I work and pay into the systems they take from. My mom, who has done the same for 40 years cannot get near the benefits even when she is disabled, and they scream at me in their language. F my life.

The company I work for does not support their employees in the slightest, I'm asked to take on more and more responsibility with no additional training(even when I point blank request it) no title change and no compensation other then being part of a "team" I 'work six days a week and haven't seen a salary change at all in nearly 3 years... I need a new job ... the want is not even a part of it, I NEED one. The job market stinks and the opportunities that would allow me to pursue school and continue making progress in the career world are few and far between. I have a position in mind that should be coming up very soon and I keep waiting biding my time.

I'm having a heck of a time balancing all this out with my spark. All of this life crap gets me so frustrated and plain angry that I just cannot deal with one more thing. All I need is for something to go right for me and at every turn there is yet another thing I have to deal with. I'm so exhausted.
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