Saturday, January 22, 2011
5 miles. That's what the "Spark Your Way to 10k" has on the schedule for today. I've been saying it aloud all week. 5 miles. That's a distance that runners run. That's a distance that a woman who has been training and running 3 days a week since May could run. I'm supposed to be able to run 5 miles today.
So why am I sitting here trying to talk myself out of it? Why have I all but given up? I did the 3 mile runs just fine. And the 4 mile runs have gone well too, 4 of them in the past 2 weeks.
You know, I wonder if running 5 miles, even if it's just in my own head, puts me into a category that I'm not only unfamiliar with, but terrified of living up to. If I go out and run 5 miles today then I'm not just that big girl at the gym that has a quaint habit of exercising. If I run 5 miles today then I can rightfully claim my place on the athletes list and no one can deny me. If I run 5 miles today I can't, in good conscience, treat my body like sh!t tomorrow. I've gone too far, I know too much. I know I'm capable of incredible physical feats, so I can't shrug my shoulders and say 'I'm just a fat girl' 'I'm just a couch potato' 'I'm going to lose weight, but I'm never going to look good' 'I'm going to lose weight, but not all of it, I could never do that, I could never be healthy'.
This isn't just a game to me anymore. I'll admit, I used to be curious about how much weight I could lose before the old me, the old habits, reared their ugly heads. I used to think, 'If I could just get under 250 lbs. If I could just be the same size I was in high school. If I could just get back to the size I was before I met my ex, before I discovered how ugly the world is..." But now, as of this morning, I'm 11 lbs. from Onderland. This life of health and strength and chins held high is right there, it's right at my finger tips and I'm still convinced I don't deserve it.
Eff that! A life of health and strength and chin's held high isn't given to us through grace, or because we're worthy of it. It isn't given to us at all. We take it. We make it. These thighs, this strong back, these blisters, these collar bones and sexy shoulders, I made them. I created them. I sacrificed and sweated and planned and cried and then I got up the next morning and did it again. Those 4 mile runs didn't happen because someone decided I was worthy of them. Hell, I haven't even decided I'm worthy of them yet! I took those 4 mile runs.
I'm not waiting for an Aha! moment of self-acceptance before I start pushing myself toward a life of health; It may never come. I can't wait for never. I see the life I want, just there in the distance, and worthy or not, capable or not, that's the direction I'm heading.
5 miles. 5 miles. 5 miles. When I say it over and over it doesn't sound so scary.
6 miles. 6 miles. 6 miles...