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    EVER-HOPEFUL   142,187
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explinations,honesty and ????


Saturday, January 22, 2011

sorry for the question marks at the end of the title but how i am feeling and the thoughts going through my head arenīt that easy to put into words especially as i am not certain hgow or why i am feeling like i am at the moment,lol.

first explinations why i have not been so active as usual on my teams,challanges ,friend feed etc.there is something wrong with our computere.it is going so,so slow ,that is when it is actually going.to click on to a thread takes about 10-15 minutes for a thread to come if it comes.and to reply can take nearly an half an hour to an hour before the caption box appears then i go to all the trouble answering post it then it comes back saying it canīt do it.start the whole proceedure again and prayer this time it works.i could and do often scream.believe you me.so now you know the reason so i am sorry in am not answering the friend feed i miss it as much as i feel awful for letting you down and not supporting you or cheering you on as the case may be.lotfi has gone to flea market today in the hope of buying a secondhand one which is all that we can afford at the moment.when not a friend of his who is good at computeres might be able to find time to look at it monday or tuesday so fingers crossed it will get sorted out shortly.

now the honesty part.the last three weeks or so i have not been so good at my eating,donīt know why ,no particular reason for it but i canīt seem to get my head round getting into healthy eating,that is why my last two blogs were about none scale victories,just to stop me going totally down the wrong path totally.i have been managing to keep up with my exercise which is great that i can do them again as that has never been my problem it is my eating,how ,what and why that has got me to the size i was and the fact that even though i have lost alot i still have a lot to go.i want to take this opurtunity to thank dee again for covering my exercise part of the last blc challange as i couldnīt do it because of my op and other injuries.i have been trying to think why my eating is getting out of control,nothing comes to mind,even as i am eating stuff i am not suppose to eat or even healthy stuff but like four times the normal person,i know i shouldnīt be eating it but i still do.WHY.that is the problem at the moment.i normally know why but this time i donīt seem too.alot of it was down to fear as my tom was late and i thought i might have been pregnant again which would have put me in a terrible dialemma i wouldnīt have want to be in.as medically because of my operations and my blood clots it could be life threatening for me,but on the other hands i donīt believe in abortions,so that was the start of it i know that but this last week i got my tom so that problem has been solved so why am i still doing this with the eating or should i say gluttony.the last three weeks the scale has been going iin the wrong direction or like last week it stayed the same.not only am i letting myself down i am letting all the other people of the teams i am on challanges with down,why:I WISHED I KNEW:AS I SAID I KNOW WHAT STARTED IT ALL BUT DONīT KNOW WHY IT HASNīT STOPPED AND GOT BACK TO NORMAL:HELP ME HERE PEOPLE:TELL ME WHY THIS MIGHT BE HAPPENINGßWHAT CAN I DO TO GET BACK ON TRACK WITH THE FOODßI REALLY NEED A LOT OF SUPPORT AT THE MOMENT ESPECIALLY WITH THE COMPUTER BEING LIKE IT IS :I HAVENīT GOT THE ACCESS TO THE ARTICLES ETC HERE FOR SOME REASON THEY ARENīT GOING:WOULD HAPPEN AT A TIME WHEN I NEED IT MOST:sorry for the capital writting,just noticed and canīt be bothered going back top wtrite itr all again.there is another thing i could of used instead of question marks in the title.CANīT BE BOTHERED.but obviously i am bothered in some way or i wouldnīt be writting this blog.all i can say is thank god for exercise.that has always been my main stay through all my life and itīs hardships.maybe this time it will pull me through again.having read this you now know how very hard it was for me when i couldnīt exercise at all.i am still not up to 100% i am about 60% of what i was before the op but hey it is better than the 0% and i know i will get back eventually to my 100% if not more lol.thanks for listening to me try to sort things out in my head.hasnīt helped much though i still have this need to binge/eat/stuff/glutony whatever you want to call it.i know it is wrong,i know it is harmful etc,but i still do it,lol.how is that for HONESTY GIRLS.thanks once again for being there for me.

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for being there as always my friends.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GAIL461 2/8/2011 11:36AM

    Karen, Am a bit behind here. Hoping you are doing better! Could it have been the weather? I know here in my part of the country we have been having storms every three or four days for the last four weeks and as much as I love the snow quite frankly it has gotten old. It hasn't been much of the way of huge storms, a few inches each time, enought to shovel but not enough to use the snow blower. It has really become old and I am ho hum. Motivation is seriously lacking. Here's to better days ahead for both of us! Take care! HUGS! Gail

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LOVE_ART 1/25/2011 9:48PM

  Listen, I have been there. We all have slip ups, but, we need to learn from it, and bounce back. Don't worry, you can do this. Stop worrying about everything, and move on. Look forward, DO NOT think about the bad mistakes you have made, it will only make you feel hopeless, and make you give up. Remember giving up is easy, sticking with it and moving forward is the challenge. You CAN do this. Stop everything at once, get rid of any temptations now. If it's not in the house, you won't be tempted. When you reach the point of control and you start seeing more results, (it might take a month or so), that is when you can see yourself developing the control, and for example allowing yourself one small piece of chocolate (if that is your weakness). Remember, DO NOT look back, only look forward. Just be diligent with yourself, don't allow ANY wiggle room. There is no more time for wiggle room. We have been wiggling in the wiggle room for far too long now. We just DON'T NEED it anymore. We really don't.
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PATJ7084 1/25/2011 6:51PM

    I am POSITIVE you will soon be back on track emoticon

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SCRAP317 1/23/2011 3:58PM

    Karen - thinking of you and praying for you to feel in control of your eating and at peace with your self. You have all of us here for you. Don't ever feel alone. I agree with the others - perhaps you should go see someone who can help you not feel defeated? There is no shame in getting help - I did it myself a couple of summers ago - sometimes we need help getting our thoughts back on track and in perspective. Take care of yourself friend xo Chris emoticon emoticon

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TRYINGHARD1948 1/23/2011 3:13PM

    I can hear frustration and perhaps a little depression creeping in. It is not unusual to feel down after illness as the body repairs and you just want to get back to normal. Do take a little time, even 10-15 minutes each day to just have for yourself, meditating or listening to music, just doing something you want to do, but perhaps leave the computer alone until it is less frustrating. Also, are you getting enough sleep? Lack of sleep can be very draining on the system. Sending hugs and positive vibes your way, emoticon emoticon

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MONAMOM 1/22/2011 10:12PM

    Sending you hugs and good thoughts that things will soon get better for you. Take care of YOU!!! Hugs!

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JCARDINAL 1/22/2011 7:14PM

    Karen, you have so much going on in your life! I have faith that you will figure it all out and get back on track. As for your computer--when mine acts up I want to throw it out the window. Hope you get it fixed soon. emoticon

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SUSIEPH1 1/22/2011 7:04PM

    Hi Sweetheart,,, I am not wise enough to know why you are trying to self destruct but that is exactly what you are doing ... You know me well enough to know i would never hurt you ... but love, you really must get out of these doldrums you are in if not for your sake ...do it for your boys... have you seen a doctor about depression ??.
To be blatantly honest.... I think with all you have been through with your health , your seperation from your little men and also your DH .. this could well be the problem ... If you need to talk privately you have my email addy and I would be happy to chat and maybe try and get to the bottom of what is troubling you. other than that my lovely friend .. I can only give you my love and hope you will take what I have said and see your doctor!
Love to you and your boys big and little Susie emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/22/2011 7:05:33 PM

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BUTRFNGRZ 1/22/2011 2:21PM

    Hello, hon!! First, lots of HUGS from me to you! It will all be okay! emoticon

Maybe on the eating end, you can plan a yummy snack for each day so you don't feel like you're being deprived. Sometimes I find it easier to eat properly all day if I know I'm getting a treat at the end of the day.

Hope you get the computer figured out soon!

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HONEYLEA 1/22/2011 2:18PM

    Karen,

We call this the "Blog Meltdown!" and it is great that you felt you had a place to come rant instead of holding all of this inside of you like a poisoned pill.

There is a lot to be said about the "winter blahs" and when they hit, they can totally derail us. I think in the many things you have going on right now, you answered your own question as to why. You are turning to food for comfort.

We just started a challenge yesterday to snap a picture of everything we eat for the next week and to blog about it. Since your computer is acting up, you wouldn't have to participate in the blogging part, but pickup a camera and start snapping a picture before you eat something. Just from the first day of doing that, I'm so much more aware of what I'm eating and how much I was eating. It might help you too.

Hang in there!
HUGS!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PRAIRIECROCUS 1/22/2011 1:33PM

    Karen,
Some of your other Spark-friends have already replied , with excellent
comments and advice ! I can only comment that I am always amazed st
all the energy and enthusiasm that you display ! With all your home
and family commitments, and your FitGirls Team Leadership, that you
energetically embrace, you amaze me, always ! Perhaps, to give you enough
fuel to accomplish all that you do, you eat a lot. You are not the only person
that this has happened to. Remember, we have all just come off a whole
month of festive eating and celebrating ! Perhaps, now, we should all take
a collective deep breath , smile , and be happy ! We can all count our many
Blessings , and vow to keep up our exercise and healthy eating program ! emoticon

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JUDITH1654 1/22/2011 12:11PM

    As far as your computer goes, when was the last time you cleaned out the cookies? Sometimes, that will mess with my computer. Also, defragging is another regular need for the computer.

As far as your diet goes, I say relax and quit worrying about it so much. You know enough to know what to eat and how much. Maybe if you created a daily/weekly menu, it would be easier to stick with it.

Try going onto CalorieKing.com and see how much exercise it takes to burn the calories you've eaten. That might help either give you a perspective or prevent your eating certain foods to begin with.

As far as your mood swings go, remember you shoulder A LOT of obligations in your life. I don't know how much viable assistance you can get with the chores and children, but when able, I would say take advantage of it and give yourself a break.

As another post remarked, you need to take time for yourself or you won't be any good not only for yourself, but anyone else. You're such a giving person and in my experience, giving people forget to give to themselves the much needed time and relaxation. I know in your case it isn't easy but when possible, soak in a tub with candles and a glass of wine (or something you enjoy) and take ten to twenty minutes pampering yourself. YOU DESERVE IT!!!! emoticon

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POSITIVELY_EB 1/22/2011 9:52AM

    Rant and rave all you want, Karen! That's one of the benefits of doing a blog - you can get it all out of your system! There is obviously SOMETHING going on in your mind that you are eating over. Keep looking for it, then deal with it!
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You do so much for others, now do for YOU!!

Hugs! Beverly

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NY-BEAN 1/22/2011 9:17AM

  Hey Karen
I'm glad your computer was working for you to write this post and I"m glad that you reached out. I haven't known you long and don't know you well, so please forgive if I'm over-reaching here, but a few things come to mind based on what I've read and seen of you online.

1. You spend a tremendous amt of time on Sparks taking care of others. It's wonderful and generous of you, but I wonder - do you spend similar time taking care of yourself each day too? Sending yourself some love each day? The very first Spark Goodie I gave was to myself. How about you try giving yourself a Spark Goodie every day including a note to yourself about how wonderful you are, how much you deserve the goodie, etc. My Goodie to myself was from my "inner fit girl" - she sent me a thank you note. What does your "inner fit girl" have to say right now?

2. I'm not sure how old you are, but I wonder if you might be peri-menopausal, somewhere around mid 40's? As I became peri-menopausal my system and mood swings went totally wacko, more than they ever did when I was regular. If so, welcome to the ride of your life, LOL. You'll get thru it ( we all do) and it's pretty great on the other side of it when TOM is no more, but meanwhile, buckle your seat belt. One thing that helped me was to remember the old parable about the King who offered his daughter's hand in marriage to whomever could make the King happy when he was sad, and sad when he was happy. Prospective suitors came and went.... Finally the winning guy gave the king a ring with the inscription "This too shall pass" As my moods swung from High to Low I tried to remember that it was all hormonal and that it would pass...

3. Beware of viscous cycles - both biological and psychological. You're probably familiar with both...

The biological vicious cycle happens when we binge on sugars/carbs - Our blood sugar rises, we feel great, but then insulin causes sugar levels to plunge and we feel crappy and so eat more carbs to raise the sugar levels again.. One of the best ways I know to break a sugar binge cycle is to cut out ALL carbs for a couple weeks. No breads, no pasta, no rice, no potatoes or other root vegetables, no fruits. Eat meats and fish, greens, dairy, fats (yes, fats!). The first couple days might be tough, but after that, as your system levels out from sugar swings, it gets much easier.

The psychological vicious cycle works like this. You binged. You feel bad about it. You beat yourself up about it, telling yourself you suck. Then to console your sucky self you binge again. Repeat.... How to break this cycle? Quit telling yourself you suck. Show yourself some love (see #1 above)

The other way to break the psychological vicious cycle is to reach out and ask for support - something you've already done! So my guess is that you're already on your way out of your funk..... Glad you know you've got friends you can count on!

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Comment edited on: 1/22/2011 9:24:19 AM

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DETERMINDCHICKY 1/22/2011 8:54AM

    Stop worrying about the WHY and just DO. I challenge you to see how many fruits and veggies you can eat today! AND, I challenge you to try and eat 500-600 calories for breakfast! (It helps curb the night eating). No more excuses doll! Let's do it or not do it! emoticon

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BLUEEYESXOXO 1/22/2011 8:32AM

    I feel for you. It seems like you are going through a lot at the moment, and it's just to much for one person to handle. I'm glad that you at least have exercise to help you through this some. Things will get better, and sometimes we fall off the wagon, and it takes a momentous event to get us back on. Other times, it seems we just snap out of it. You can do this. I know you can. You've done it all before. I hope all turns out well for you. emoticon

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