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1-99 SparkPoints

Dearest friends and relatives:

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Just wanted to say thank you to all. As we progress into the year 2011, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I canít use the remote in a hotel room because I donít know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I canít sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washedÖÖÖ..oh, and donít forget to thoroughly search the bed sheets and mattress for BED BUGS!

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking oneís nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I canít touch any womanís purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresaís Novena has granted my every wish.

I canít eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I canít use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesnít crawl in my back seat when Iím filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ĎUnder Godí on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I canít boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I canít use anyoneís toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I canít ever pick up a .25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I canít do any gardening because Iím afraid Iíll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you donít send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighborís ex-mother-in-lawís second husbandís cousinís best friendís beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Donít bother taking it off now, itís too late. (Love this one-got me!)

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
HONEYFIN 2/5/2011 7:40AM

    Yeah, else are we supposed to scroll down to read the e-mails without our hand on the mouse? Tell me that one, German Scientist! (and I proudly had my hand on the mouse! hee hee).

That was great and made me actually laugh out loud.

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SUGARSMOM2 2/1/2011 5:25PM

  that is so cute . had a great laugh . thank you ..

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MSBEAUTY711 1/29/2011 9:29AM

    Thats so funny! What about the emails to offer 2 billion dollars in exchange for a western union of 10k! LOL

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CALIKIKI 1/28/2011 9:00PM

    Oh my, that german scientist got me too!

So funny, thanks!

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FITCOFFEEMOM357 1/28/2011 4:53PM

    LMAO........I needed a laugh and half and a smile God Bless

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HEALTHYASHLEY 1/28/2011 4:35PM

    This is awesome. Made my whole office laugh.

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SUZYGREENBERG94 1/28/2011 4:31PM

    HAAAAAHAAAAAA! I've seen this list before, but it had been a while, thanks for sharing and reminding me to lighten up!

Hang on, I think Bill Gates is at my door with a check....

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PUPPETGIRLKY 1/26/2011 11:05AM



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CBARRETT10 1/24/2011 7:54PM

  Now I'm confined to my house....I don't know who's touched my door knob! emoticon emoticon

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WINE4GIRL 1/23/2011 7:25AM

    emoticon I'll never leave the house now..............

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CHELSEAANNE8 1/22/2011 1:00PM

    Amazing we have all survived all these years not knowing all this. I really like your sense of humor. Have a great weekend!
Love, Chelsea emoticon

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POPOF4 1/22/2011 9:33AM


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FTLSWEETIE 1/21/2011 11:45AM

    Thanks so much for the consolidation of all the emails I have gotten in the last year:-) That was so good for a laugh and giggle:-) Hugs, Paula

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TERRYT55 1/21/2011 11:23AM

    A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

This describes ME.......

What a terrific list. Thanks for the Friday morning smile!

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JUSTBIRDY 1/20/2011 8:57PM

    then again, maybe if you get bit by the violin bug you will start to practice more. emoticon

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FRAN0426 1/20/2011 8:42PM

    Such a cute blog. thanks for sharing it with us.

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KNITTABLES 1/20/2011 8:11PM

    For a moment I thought this was serious until I read the next line and the next. Great blog and so funny. emoticon

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WENDYSPARKS 1/20/2011 6:06PM


Wendy emoticon

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CHRYS13 1/20/2011 6:04PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GARDENDIVA2 1/20/2011 5:49PM

    Thank you for the giggle. I am now going to go drink from the garden hose. It was safe to do this 40 years ago.

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KRYS210 1/20/2011 5:31PM

    Guess we should all just stay home and hope the roof doesn't cave in! LOL How very cute - thanks for the chuckles!

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KRYS210 1/20/2011 5:27PM

    Guess we should all just stay home and hope the roof doesn't cave in! LOL How very cute - thanks for the chuckles!

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TAFODIL24 1/20/2011 5:25PM

    emoticon hilarious ~ thank you for sharing!

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GRETCHYM 1/20/2011 5:19PM

    Hahah love it !

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SANDBBAR 1/20/2011 4:40PM

  Love it!! Thanks :)

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1COUNTRY_GAL 1/20/2011 4:16PM

    emoticon so much fun,great blog,you really summed it up perfectly and thank you.The Coke one really has completely changed me and I will never drink it ever again.I will only use it for other than drinking. emoticon

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CICI510 1/20/2011 3:28PM

    emoticon emoticon

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MIZZLE2105 1/20/2011 3:17PM

    LOVE IT!!!! That was hilarious!!! Thanks for the laugh!!!!

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ROCKMAN6797 1/20/2011 3:05PM

    OMG, this is so funny and so true (at least the part of what people worry about!) Thank you for providing me a laugh today!day

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WORKTHEGOAL 1/20/2011 2:59PM

    How very very wonderful - what a great giggle, both me my son and dH

One of the best!

Mandy x

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THENEWME43 1/20/2011 2:44PM


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-WRKNG2ABTTRME- 1/20/2011 2:13PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FLMOMX2 1/20/2011 2:00PM


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GIGALENA 1/20/2011 1:54PM

    Funny lol thank you so much for posting this! Enjoyed reading it.

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NJVBALLGIRL 1/20/2011 1:52PM

    haha I literally laughed out loud at my desk when I read this. Love the KFC and the Bill Gates one.

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MSHUFFNPUFFN 1/20/2011 1:51PM

    Funnnny!! Thanks!! "Hand on the mouse"...aaarrrgghhh!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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