Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I watched "Biggest Loser" and I now have no feeling about that show any more. I used to cry with them and got excited as much as the contestants about losing weight. This morning, I am eating my cake(7:30 AM) and saying to myself 'whatever...'
I am having night mares about my weight and I can't focus on 'living healthy'. One time, it was long, long ago, I had a dream that I broke the scale because I weighed too much. I was so scared even though it was just a dream. I lost weight. But the weight came back. I continued gain fat and lost some and gain some. That 'some' is about 20 to 30 pounds. If that's the wt. for pregnant ladies gain, I must have several kids by now. But the reality is I don't have any kid. Never been pregnant...I am just on this weight loss/gain roller coaster. Will I ever get off this and be happy? Right now, I am losing my focus. I am eating non-stop and don't want to exercise. I just want to give up. I am not happy. I hate myself being like this. It's not that what the scale says but it shows that I can't control myself over food. That is it. I don't have 'WILL'. I feel so worthless and hopeless.
I guess I don't want to lose wt. If I do, I would do something about it, right? I had this self-talk so many times. But I'm just tired. Tired of being over weight and not happy about it. I don't want to others perceive me as someone who is not me(inside). I CAN only change the situation. I know. But it is hard.
Sorry for rambling. I need to vent.