Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Today, I'm feeling blah. I can't seem to get going. I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to crawl back into bed. I'm so tired of fighting depression. I'm so tired I want to cry. My back is stiff, my neck is stiff, my right hand is cold and numb and sore from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I'm actually afraid to let others know the true depths of how I feel. I think I'm afraid to admit it to myself. I'm not one for blogging or journalling, but I need an outlet, and hopefully this is safe. I don't know why I have depression. I just do. I have for a very long time. Some days are better, some are worse. I can usually ignore my feelings and smile through the day. I take medication, which has helped, but it's obviously not completely taking care of this. I'm not hung up on any old baggage, I have a good solid marriage, two happy, healthy kids at home, a decent job, a comfortable house. Why can't I just be happy? All day long I've been trying to talk myself into a better mood. In fact, it's been a few days of that. I have a pretty good life, I know that. I just don't feel it. For the most part, I eat well and generally live well. I'm a good person, I'm smart, I'm caring, and I love my family and friends. Why do I feel like crying? Is it guilt for not being happy in the face of so much good? I feel like I should have done so much more with my life. Like I should be doing so much more. Yet, I can barely do what little I'm doing now. I'm not doing a very good job of "fake til I make it". I guess that's only a temporary solution. If it weren't for routines, I don't think I could get anything done. I can just stumble through most days. I want to feel happy, I want to have energy, I want to feel joy. I know I can accomplish things, when I set my mind to do them, but everything just feels so damn hard. Too damn hard. I just want to hide in my bed. It's a good thing my will to live is stronger than my depression. Now my tears are really flowing. I can't even see clearly, when I do open my eyes. I'm feeling very vulnerable, right now. It about time I got honest with myself. At least I'm feeling something, not just numb. It sucks, though, and it hurts. Even my legs ache.
I hope this catharsis helps me. I know I'll be alright. I let you inside my head because maybe I won't feel so alone in my pain, and if you're in pain, then you won't feel so alone, either.