Ok. So I am normally a decisive person. I have to be. My husband is so darn laid back he always makes me pick, what's for dinner, what are we going to watch, what do you want to do. He just rolls with the punches and I have to decide. But this decision I CAN'T MAKE. I am so flipitty floppitty it is not even remotely funny anymore. So what is the big life altering decision I am trying to make? Should we try for a 3rd child? The last time I told my husband I wasn't sure anymore, he said, well it's up to you. WHY? Just because I carry the child doesn't mean its all up to me. Its still OUR family. Maybe I just need a shrink.

I talked to my mom over the weekend and she said everything I knew she would say. There was nothing she said that I didn't expect, but that is why I did not tell her right away. I didn't want her to change my mind, I knew she would be worried that it wasn't the right decision and you have two beautiful gifts right now, why don't you just enjoy them and not want more, SELFISH. She didn't say it, but a voice in my head has been saying it since we ultimately decided to try.

I didn't renew my birth control. That's a pretty big step toward trying. Now I am going off Depo-provera, which they say takes some serious time to get your body back to normal and get pregnant. So we were going to give it a year. So what do we do now? We have to decide before a decision is made for us. But maybe that is what I am waiting for. Here's the romantic story for the baby "Well we decided not to have anymore, but were a little late, ha ha"

I'm not going to go back over all the pros and cons, because anybody who is a parent knows what they are. And once you see the positive pregnancy test, hear the heartbeat, see the ultrasound and hold the child for the first time, all the cons disappear, because you know no matter what life throws at you, you are a survivor and you will do whatever it takes for this child to have a great life. And for all of your children to have wonderful lives. And your family to be a unit. So how do you decide? How do you tell that little soul that has been knocking at your heart that you are not meant to be its mommy?