Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Just like all of you, I had that vision of what I needed to change in the upcoming year. So armed with LEGAL size pad and pencil, (just in case of changes to erase) I sat down in a quiet room, door closed and began to think.
I knew that first and most important it was going to be "MY" year. I was going to be the numero uno person in this household, (not meaning to sound selfish) but I was TIRED of everyone else's needs coming before mine.
I was years ago the caregiver for my mom when she had lung cancer, no regrets there, but did notice a big change in my life as I really didnt take care of me at all. She needed me, and I was there for her up until the time of her death. That's where I was suppose to be. I had no problem with that. What I did wrong was let my emotions take over, and failed myself as well. I did this by not caring about me, eating when I could find the time, and not exercising at all (you can't call running from room to room getting stuff, or riding the elevator up and down and walking the halls of a hospital exercise.) So with the thoughts of all the what I should have, could have, and would haves out of my mind, I managed to write down what I expected of myself for the year twenty eleven... I will be turning "50" yes the BIG 5-0! this year in April. I look at myself, and see this round plump-graying haired woman trying to FIGURE out what I need to do to look better and feel better. Seriously! I have let 49 years from before just be carried behind me in a sense of where did the time go.....I tell you it went down some unfamiliar road that I don't remember too much of where the destination was going. Other than the fact the road lead to my obesity. Yes, there I said it THE BIG O, and not the 0 that follows the 5 for my birthday! As I was sitting there at my own pity party, I decided, why should this year be any different than any of the other years, I came to the conclusion of "because I have no looking or turning back to fix what I have missed or messed up. The time is now, or I may not have the chance later to do this for me!!! I need to and want to do this for me! I am the important one now. I am at a milestone in my life to where I should be preparing myself for those most enjoyable "golden" years to look forward to retirement, grandchildren, vacations, just relaxing, doing things with my family. If I am sick and fat, I won't be able to do them, and if I am dead, well apparently the road just came to a dead end...
I have been lucky so far and I know I have been traveling through life on a narrow rope, but my eyes have opened up, I realize there is a lot more out there that I want to do and see while I can still remember them and I am that important!!!!
So the new year starts approaching, I have my "bucket list" and resolutions in hand , I am ready to start the first episode of "This is your Life Tina" and it hits like a boulder.
Dec. 29, 2010, I pull into my driveway, I get a call on my cell, my dear friend of almost 20 years in the hospital, not expecting to live , asks if me and my son can come by. So we leave, and arrive at the hospital, we sit for hours and reminisce with the family of old times. We come home, and restless unable to sleep, I think I dont want to be like her, all of those health issues. So I need to work on that! It is sad how we use other's misfortunes to be a guideline for our future. The next day I leave work early go to the hospital, she is in worse condition. I stay at the hospital, again thinking of other's needs, I stay there for almost 10 hours, her hours are getting closer to death, I feel like I cant do anymore for her nor her family. I am at peace with the fact that she is going to a better place, I leave. As I drive home, I am able to think about how did she get in this state of health. I kept telling myself that won't be me.
Dec 31, 2010 the day that you are suppose to put the year behind you and start the New Year off with changes. She passes away. Ok I can do this, I have to be there for my friend. I was up to the end, and now I am preparing to go to a funeral in a couple of days. I made it through all the tears, because I knew she had no more suffering.
Jan 3, 2011 I go back to work, lunchbox in hand, kinda like the kid going to school for the first time with a new box and thermos.....I had my food, snacks and water bottle in tote. I was ready to start that new LIFESTYLE change. I was doing good, back to no junk food, working out on the stationary bike every night, until that WED., remember I went to work on MONDAY, I come home sick as a dog. High fever, coughing, body aches, head hurting....oh no "THE FLU".... I miss Thurs. and Fri., I lay up on the sofa looking like a beach whale that was washed to shore. I haven't missed a day of work in 5 years. I win the award every year at our Christmas party for no missed days. Well there I go, no gift for 2011!. Then the snow starts falling, now we are closed because of it on MON. and TUES. Yes, I am still sick with the flu but getting better. So on Mon. I thought I would weigh myself. I get on the scales and 4 lbs. gone, of course there is going to weight loss with the flu....who EATS!!! I was too sick to. I feel good about this though. I did lose weight, just not the way I wanted to.
So now we are suppose to go back to work tomorrow, I will have that lunchbox in tote. I will try this again. It's not the way I wanted to end my year, or much less begin a new year. But I look back, and there was a reason behind all of this. I think Ruby was my inspiration to go on, she loved to cook, loved to eat, never exercised, but she always had fun with life, and she always knew how I struggled. She heard it enough through the years. God gave me the chance to see what I could be facing in the years to come, not that I am any better than any of those that have been sick, but I know I need to do something for a change- for "Me." It starts today. It may have started on Jan. 1, 2011, with a bit of a bumpy road, and a challenge thrown in, but I have grown and realized that chances come a dime a dozen, but you can't put a price on your own happiness and health. I am worth it. I am going to have a good year-starting now. I will be here to show it for a long time. It's all about "ME," Happy new year to Me!!!