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Who is That Fat Girl?

Friday, January 07, 2011

Well, there is good news and bad news today.

The bad news is I gained .2 pounds this week. emoticon

The good news is it was only .2 pounds. emoticon

I am not real sure why I am finding it so difficult to get back on track, but I am. I have given myself all the pep talks one can imagine and pumped myself up. I am going to track and exercise… this is something I repeat to myself over and over again daily…. Have I done it? NO! emoticon

I have written countless blogs on a positive attitude, goals, looking at the good things, etc………so why oh why have I been unable to do the basics? I was having very little trouble before the holidays and for some reason I start out strong every day and by 2 or 3 in the afternoon I am so hungry I just start munching on whatever I can find. emoticon

I know, I have written hundreds of reasons to lose weight besides the obvious health and clothing reasons, but maybe if I can dig real deep I can find a few more!

There are two incidents from my childhood which have stuck with me through the years. OK, more than that, but there are two which really impacted me as far as my perspective of myself.

I remember as a young girl watching my mother battle with the weight. At one point, she had actually been successful in losing about 100 pounds. She was so happy and vibrant and full of self esteem. I am not real sure what happened, but she eventually gained it all back like many do.

In any case, I remember her buying this really cool pair of boots. She was so excited that she had these new boots, and I of course, as a young girl of probably 10 or 11 years old wanted to try them on. I can still picture them. They were a grayish suede type with a fuzzy lining. Anyway, I went to try them on and could not zip them over my calf. Even at that young age I was overweight enough that I could not zip a boot over my calf.

Here I am 30+ years later and the thought has occurred to me that I have NEVER worn a pair of boots! I have never even tried. Why????

Because, I was so heartbroken that day. That is the day I realized that I was fat! Before that day, I knew I was chubby. My family and schoolmates had no problem pointing that out to me quite often, but I never felt like I was fat.

Let’s fast forward about 4 or 5 years. I was in my early teens and was at my cousins’ house when their mom was out. They decided to have a party as some teens do, so the house was full of all these “popular” kids.

I had always felt like an outsider when with this particular side of the family, so I was hiding in the bathroom just trying to stay away from all the kids. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself when a boy just waltzed in without knocking or anything. Although I was not caught in “the act”, I was crying. He immediately turned around and left not quite closing the door behind him.

Now, I was embarrassed enough as it was, but imagine this humiliating statements I overheard.

Boy: “Dude, who is the really fat chick in your bathroom?”

My cousin: “Shhhhh, that’s my cousin and my mom said we HAVE to try to help her.”

Boy: “Really? That sucks! I would really hate it if I was forced to hang out with my fat cousin”

My cousin: “Yeah, but my mom feels sorry for her because her dad just died.”

Boy: “that’s no reason to be fat!”

Please note that the mysterious boy was more horrified at my weight than he was at the fact that he had just walked in a girl that was crying AND he was not concerned at all that I was a girl that had literally just lost her father.

This has just stuck with me through the years. I have been unable to shake or forget that conversation I overheard. My cousin, thank goodness is much different these days. He is a loving and kind person who I am truly blessed to be related too, but he does not know I heard that conversation.

As a matter of fact, this is the first time ever I have told that story.

So, this is my way to self discovery. I am trying the approach that I really need to dig into the past and figure out what in the world is wrong with me and how I got to be almost 200 pounds overweight. Why do I insist on continuing on this path of self destruction when I have so many good reasons not to?

Thanks for taking the time to read my rambling thoughts!

So, here is my statement which is going to be put into my visual collage and posted everywhere.

I WILL BUY A PAIR OF BOOTS!

Diana
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • PEACHPOO
    That's just young people being stupid and immature. Forgive them for they don't know what they're doing, and how it impacts for a lifetime.
    2442 days ago
  • SEATURTLE86
    ((HUGS)) I am so sorry for what you have been through. But you SURVIVED and that says alot. You are a STRONG and AMAZING woman!I can feel your pain as I read what you have written. It is amazing to me how things can hurt so bad and the person doing/saying it doesnt even know how much they hurt us.

    I think that we both have alot of hurts and issues that are coming up now that we are taking time for ourselves.
    I am trying to deal with these feeling as they come up or as I remember certain things. Before I would try to ignore the feeling or try to stuff them down with food. This time I am allowing the feelings to come and dealing with the once and for all. Some days I cry for hours, some days all I feel is anger, but I am allowing my self to FEEL it, not ignore it.

    I really want to face this stuff and heal for the first time in my life. I think that this has to come out in order for me to heal and lose weight. I think that sharing here on Spark is a great way to work this stuff out.

    Sometimes it is just nice to talk about it in a safe place and for someone to acknowlege that what we went through was real to us and wrong and that is wasn't our fault. We dealt with it the best we could at the time. Now we are getting stronger. We are learning new skills and we will do things differently this time.
    Hang in there and I am here when you need to talk or vent!
    emoticon emoticon

    PS. There are boots made for us with large calves! My sister has a great pair and she can zip 'em up all the way to her knees! I will let you know where she got them. I think it was from a mail order Plus Size catalog and they weren't expensive at all.
    2469 days ago
  • SNOWFLAKE322
    I agree buy the boots. They will do wonders for your self esteem.
    2475 days ago
  • AUNA_CYCLE
    I hope you find a pair of boots you like! That is really terrible that you overheard that conversation about you, at the party. Boys at that age are really immature. Their brains aren't fully developed... It's good to think about the past, figure out why things are the way they are. Well, about the hunger at 2 or 3, I think you need a healthy snack or mini-meal at the ready, something you know is good for you. Good luck on that, I've been having trouble after dinner. So I need to work on that too. Take care. Go boot shopping!
    2475 days ago
  • LILBLKDRESS09
    Mom you can do it! I love you !
    2475 days ago
  • JONNYJETPROP
    Take a series of small steps. One after the other and you can succeed. BTW, love the boots! Buy them.
    2475 days ago
  • DANI2100
    I agree with the above OP--buy the boots NOW--BE FANTASTIC (they are worth the cash) and then buy yourself some even higher heels later and still BE FANTASTIC!!!!
    2475 days ago
  • COSMOS
    That story is heartbreaking. Hang in there, buying a pair of boots will be a great achievement!
    2475 days ago
  • KELLYINCHICAGO
    I apologize if this comes across as a bit callous, but don't wait until you're thin to wear boots. I'm 260lbs and wear a pair that look EXACTLY like those...and I love them. In fact, each and every time I wear them, I get compliments up the a*s and people (men in particular) seem to adore them. Granted, I had to order them online because I have calve muscles that could rival most men...but still, I love them. They make me feel feminine and sexy....totally worth the extra $$ I had to shell out.

    Don't wait. Just do it. You'll thank yourself.
    2475 days ago
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