Thursday, January 06, 2011
I really thought I had it beat this time. The first babies, the postpartum depression hit fast. The second time so hard I really did think I was going to lose my mind (or had already). These were some of the darkest days of my life, mostly because they should have been so happy and the guilt that came with the depression was so horrible. It is the memory of those days that prompted me to agree to take an antidepressant at the end of my pregnancy. I was not confidant it would work, but it has up to this point, worked fairly well. I have enjoyed having a newborn and felt quite happy and blessed.
I am not sure when things started to change, because they were not so abrupt this time. I can't say it really snuck up on me, because each day I've been feeling a little more "blue" than usual, but I figured with sleep deprivation and all...
But the last couple days, I feel like I am in a box and the sides are pressing in. I'm not feeling tired, surprisingly, but very anxious. I'm exercising, I'm eating right, I have great kids...but I am just in a funk. Life just seems overwhelming and catching up seems hopeless.
I know God is there, I know He cares, but despite KNOWING these things intellectually, I do not FEEL them. This is a place noone can understand unless they have been there. The Tom Cruises of the world will never get it. Although I often wonder if I feel this way due to some sort of sin or lack of relationship with God, I know this is not from him, nor is has he left me. I just wish I FELT that way.
Feeling are fickle. Humans are fickle. God is not. So, I guess I will just keep pressing onward and through this. I know it will pass. It always does, but it sure feels hopeless right now. And I really thought I had it beat this time. I feel so cheated and angry!
I know the sun will come out again but I am getting the umbrella ready because here comes the rain!