Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Well many many things have changed since I last wrote a blog entry. I wish I could say my life changed in a way I never saw coming, but that would be a slight lie. I think I really did see it coming, I just chose to ignore it and hope that I was wrong. Sadly I wasn't. Now I'm on a new path. A new beginning to my life and some days it is beyond scary. Starting over and trying to find the person you might have once been, along with trying to mesh that up with the person you now are can be difficult. Finding "yourself" after years of being yourself, but with another person is just as hard. So you think about how you were "back before" but knowing that you are so much older now. Hopefully a bit wiser too; even though there are times you feel more stupid.. but you're not, not really. You think back to how you grew up during those years together and how you changed. In many ways for the better, in some ways not. You learn as you go how to add the bits and pieces of yourself back together. Sure the pieces of your heart are still scattered all over... but the pieces of yourself in the before, during and after slowly come together and form the you of now. That's where I am now. Learning about me again. So why the bread crumbs? I'd like to think that God is trying to help me (in his usually oddball way) on a path back to me or even maybe on a path to something great (I hope!!!), but sometimes I get hungry and eat the crumbs. Which is when I get lost and stop listening not only to myself, but also what the world is telling me. This is also when I jump in to fast and we all know what everyone says about swimming after eating... I don't want a "cramp". So here I am learning how to just follow that bread crumb path and not eat it. Sometimes the path moves very slow and as much as there are days where I want it to move faster; I found out yesterday that it's moving that slow for a reason. God knows you can't and shouldn't go faster and he knows that your heart and you are not put together enough yet. He knows that you'd just beat yourself up in the end and since you've done so much of that to begin with, that your poor little heart couldn't handle anymore of it. Sometimes he even has to have some help from the outside for you to realize this and you're thankful for it, as you tend to need a more obvious sign saying "DO NOT ENTER" because you can be a bit oblivious. Ok a LOT oblivious. But once all that happens, you get all of this. It dawns on you that he was right; which is hard coming from a person who doesn't like to admit they were wrong sometimes, and you kick yourself a bit, but vow to remember this and keep it close to you. Then you start to learn that maybe that bread crumb path isn't supposed to be there for you to munch on, but it's supposed to lead you to the treat. Which just might be that big loaf of bread that he made just for you and then you'll finally be happy. Really.