There are two kinds of people: those who can moderate themselves and those who can't. After months of success, staying on track, keeping myself from slipping up too badly, I thought I might be in the first category. But the past few weeks have shown me I am smack dab in the second category.
Christmas, I have discovered, is my arch nemesis. I have avoided excessive refined sugar pretty well over the past few months, and I thought that I would be able to moderate my eating. But there were cookies. And chocolate. And candy. And chocolate. And chocolate. And chocolate. How am I supposed to say "no" to so much decadent *chocolate*?!
So I ate. The first night of waaayyy overdoing it on Hershey's Kisses, I felt incredibly sick. "Good," I though, "Serves you right. You won't do that again."
But I did. The next night. And I didn't feel quite so sick, which was unnerving. It's almost like the first time you have a cigarette. You cough and sputter and it tastes horrible to you, but for some reason, you have another. And pretty soon you can't do without them.
And that's just what happened. The next day I made a firm choice that I would NOT have any chocolate. I ate well all day, but then at night, I felt the tingle--the obsessive nagging at the back of my brain. I ignored it and busied myself with something else. But it wouldn't go away. It took an hour of feeling this obsession cartwheeling in my brain before I gave in. "I'll just have one... or two." About 15 Kisses later, the only reason I had stopped was because I had run out. And I hated myself.
I know people think I'm obsessive; that by not allowing myself to eat desserts and overdo it once in a while that I'm somehow denying myself joy in my life. I'm judged at parties for not eating the desserts, or having a drink, or filling my plate to overflowing.
But if they only knew that I'm an addict and that food is my heroine. You wouldn't judge an addict for not cutting loose and having a little heroine once in a while.
"Hey, recovering alcoholic, come on and have a drink! What's the matter with you? It's a party!!"
But for some reason for a food addiction, it's different. People judge you for NOT giving in to your addiction. I keep getting asked when my "diet" is going to be over. What a stupid question....
Yesterday, I didn't have any chocolate. I didn't cut down, I cut it out. Cold turkey. Because if I give in just a little, I give up. We'll see how this goes....