After having been on the "diet" rollercoaster for more than 25 years - and having tested and tried more gimmicks, and programs that truly worked when the effort was put into them, it is truly difficult to get that old excitement - motivation - that power surge that comes with the start of a new program. Nothing even feels new this time, it feels like I am beating a dead fish. I am quite discouraged, not only at the lack of support I find in my family, but also in how many times I have left my team and come back - and knowing deep down they probably have as little faith in me making it through one challenge as I do.

After having done it all, jenny craig, weight watchers, nutri system, slender life, slimfast, deal a meal, atkins, and that is just a FEW of the diets i've done... it's so difficult to find that umpf that is going to take me there this time.

I believed with all my heart Spark was it... and I poured myself heart and soul into it when I first came aboard... I lost fifty pounds and had little more than fifty to go to goal.. I was feeling great, getting smaller clothes, and had more energy than I can ever remember having... and then life threw a wrench in my perfectly organized world, and now I sit here typing with tears rolling down my cheeks - having gained back 43 of those pounds lost. Because I am still in such a state of limbo in the rest of my life - it is so difficult to take control and set up a system.

I can't make the homeowners get rid of the candy dish - I have asked - and I cant throw out the tons of garbage in their pantry that I have to look at all the time... I can choose to eat it or not to eat it and that is all on me.

I can't tell my sister that it's my turn on the wii fit, since it is her television and wii - but I Can go for a walk...

I just never envisioned myself being here in this moment now with nothing at this age.

I am grateful to have a job i really am... more than I can express... but I am making less now than I made 18 years ago, I have run companies and now i am doing a nothing job in a little cubicle. I've never had a cubicle...ever.... even with my experience and my education i cant get a job that pays enough right now to get my husband and I on our own.

It is so disheartening to be here again. To be at this starting over stage again... I cant even say I am starting over - Im just picking back up the ball and hoping for the best.

All of my injuries are healed so I should be able to put the work in.. only i say what my hand delivers to my mouth so hopefully I can gain some control.

I feel like I have lost any and all self respect I had and I just need a hand to help me up this first step!

Thanks for listening ya'll ... and if anyone finds my self respect... give me a shout!

Happy New Year!