i've had so many "aha" moments this past week that this one really just seems to be the next logical step!

twice this week i've found myself in bed, hiding under the covers in the dark (my cat hides out with us briefly in the mornings when she's cold!), actually expending energy to rearrange my schedule so that i can stay in bed another hour. "if i do this, then i could do this...". mind you, during this INCREDIBLY PRECIOUS hour that i'm already wasting, i'm NOT sleeping, which i assume is what i really want.

or is it?

what is it that makes me want to stay in bed? warmth? cuddle time with kitty? quiet time? is it necessary to have it now?

well twice this week, i finally got angry and frustrated enough that i would spend SO much time and energy trying to convince myself i needed to sleep (or whatever my true motivation is), and never getting there, that i kicked myself out of bed. and i've had two great morning workouts!

so now i'm moving on to the hardest question of all, the one i think can finally help me kick this monkey off my back, and break out of the self-sabotage cycle. i need your help, friends, to clear the cobwebs, or whatever it is that's blocking my clear view.

i've been planning and eating well pretty regularly for a few weeks now, and i'm proud to feel more in control of my choices, making good decisions, and the lot. so why do i want to eat out?

granted, i did make some alterations to my standard behavior, which is to take hubby out to dinner on a weeknight, have a few (or more!) drinks, relax, and eat way too much food - which is almost never good for me food. last night, we had sushi, and while i ate more than i planned, it wasn't TOO much. i considered that to be a better choice than DH's options of burgers or mexican food.

but why do i do this? am i subconciously afraid that eating well won't taste good, or satisfy me? is it because i associated food and drink with relaxing? do i want to spend the money to feel rich? do i just like having people wait on me (that's my personal favorite)?

and more importantly, how do i convince myself that going home instead, and cooking something i will enjoy (and that fits my wallet and calories budgets) is what i really WANT to do, and not HAVE to do?

does anyone else experience this feeling? it's almost compulsive, and i need to once and for all, face this demon, and kick it to the curb. not that i won't ever go out, because quite frankly i do like going to places with great service and food. but until i get this one under control, i know my ability to make good decisions about food is in jeopardy.