Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Well here I am again. Starting at the top. The top of my weight that is. I have managed to eat myself into oblivion and gain all the weight back I had lost. Now here I sit in my "fatty mcfat" clothes as I call them and hate myself for this self mutilation. This sucks.
I am now 52 years old and have battled this war for most of my life. When will I ever change? I look into my mirror and I dont know that person! Who is she? It looks like me but with so much weight it is like I am somehow distorted.
I want this. I have to want this enough to care morning noon and night. To make a change and feel like I deserve it. To not feel so "beneath" other people who live at a normal weight every day. To not want to go places because I feel like I will be the fattest one.
I put off a surgery because I didnt want to go be so fat in the surgery room. How stupid is that?
I finally managed to get it done 3 weeks ago and was so embarrassed to even go for my check up yesterday.
None of my clothes fit me anymore. I know how this happened. I did it to myself.
Now it is the next step to get myself doing SOMETHING about it.
Better get to work. I dont want to be late.