Tuesday, December 28, 2010
My boys. Growing up they were each often asked if their brother had a name because they always referred to each other as "my brother." They were truly best friends for many years. As a single parent I taught them to rely on each other. I constantly reminded them that they would always have each other regardless of what happened to the rest of the world. They grew up together. They played together. They shared friends. They argued and fought like only brothers can...and then somehow found a way to make up every time. When it was time to go out on their own they ended up sharing an apartment together. When it was time for one to become a Daddy his brother slept on the hospital room floor waiting to become an uncle. Together. Brothers. Best friends. My boys.
Five years ago today my oldest was killed in a traffic accident. His brother lost his best friend. His son lost his uncle. And I lost my oldest son.
Our world changed. Actually it shattered into itty bitty pieces. The kind that take years to put back together. And once they are back together the world doesn't look the same. Because it can't. It never will. It's missing a very important piece. But you find yourself learning to live with that missing piece. And you learn that it's okay to smile and to laugh and to find joy - even if a bit of you is still sad. It's okay. It's not always easy but it's okay. It's not moving on, it's learning to live gracefully with that missing piece.
I've learned to let life happen. To ride the waves as they come. To experience whatever the moment brings. Most days it's all good. Some days not so much. Today I miss my son. I miss my boys together. I mourn all the moments that were stolen from us as a family.
But in the same breath I celebrate all the incredible memories that we have together. We didn't have a lot of "things" while the boys were growing up but we sure managed to cram a lot of experiences into those years. And nothing can take those moments away. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Missing you today kiddo. And smiling through my tears as I type. Love you tons. ~Mom