Monday, December 27, 2010
It really stinks to be back at square one, eight years later. Initially inspired in the fall of 2002 by not wanting to develop health problems, and motivated even further by the prospect of being a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding in the fall of 2004, I managed to lose about 55 pounds, bringing me down to around 155. I became discouraged, though when I stopped losing weight in June of 2004; still 5 pounds above the maximum weight for my height, I still felt fat (in reality, I could've stood to lose maybe another 10-15 pounds). I should have been happy...I had not been at that weight since I was 13 or so (and a couple of inches shorter!). But I just felt like I was depriving myself of things for no reason, and slowly I stopped keeping track of what I was eating, convinced I could judge without keeping a record. I think I did OK for awhile without keeping track, but somewhere along the line, I started eating whatever I wanted. It didn't help that around that time, I joined a social group to make friends, and most events revolved around eating and drinking, but to blame that would just be a lame excuse.
I found that the more I cheated and ate whatever I wanted, the more I backslid. One snack or treat here and there led to many snacks and treats all the time. Not keeping track led to lack of control over portions. All of which shows...on me. I'm actually about 10-15 pounds heavier than I was to begin with, which I hate. Sometimes I wonder what the people who had complimented me on losing weight think of me now. Or the people who met me when I was thinner, who maybe don't know I was (almost) this fat before.
I sincerely hate keeping track of things, I am bad at it, I resent having to do it, and I do as little of it as possible. This is why my ATM card often refuses to give me money. But I know that the only way I can lose weight is to keep track of every single bite of food, probably for the rest of my life. How depressing.