Tuesday, December 21, 2010
It all started a month or two ago. I was driving south to pick up four greyhounds who needed transport north to their new adoption groups. I stopped at a rest area and walked into the ladies room. The wall had a full length, full width mirror, so one's first impression was that there was no mirror, simply a long hall of stalls. For a moment, I saw myself as a stranger. As someone walking towards me. And my thoughts were wonderful. I thought "what a nice, friendly looking person. I think I'd like her." I looked again, realizing it was me, and my reaction was the same. And I started believing that I look approachable, friendly, and kind. Like someone that I'd like to know.
Fast forward to yesterday. I was undressing to take a shower. To put some perspective on this, I had lost twenty pounds, and I've put most of it back on. So as of a few days ago, I'd have seen fat, I'd have been disgusted, I'd have hated what I saw. Yesterday I saw that same kind, friendly, approachable woman I saw in the rest area. I saw a soft, gentle woman with a cuddly body. It was AMAZING. For the first time I can remember in my 53 year life I've looked at my body without some kind of criticism. Perhaps I've finally accepted what and who I am. I was even able to grab hold of some of the fat, jiggle it around, and giggle at the sight. Just taking it as it is, instead of judging.
I've heard that first you must give up your self-loathing in order to keep the weight off. That we must forgive ourselves, and accept our body no matter what it looks like at the moment. I think I may have FINALLY done that. I feel so happy. So calm. So pleased and serene.
I like being this soft, approachable, kindly woman who looks like someone I'd like to know. I'm hoping this loving attitude will eventually translate into losing weight again. For now, though, I'm going easy on myself. Simply accepting who I am, and learning what that feels like.
This feels like a VERY good thing.