Trying to get past the feelings on Day 61
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
!!! I really want to start this blog off by saying
to each and every one of you who took the time to read my blog and send me love and support because I really need it! Many of you commented that it was brave of me to post that blog and that means a lot but to be honest I felt like I had no choice but to post that blog! I know many if not all young woman out there are warned about this but many of us (including myself) have never really thought it could happen to us or that we weren't being as careful as we should be so I felt like it was something that I had to do. Writing that blogged also helped me to not feel ashamed or embarrassed about what happened because to be quite honest there is a little part of me inside that feels horrible for what my brother in law and my husband had to go through to take care of me. Part of me feels embarrassed for being tossed out of the bar and for yelling at the doctors, so writing that blog proved to myself that I have nothing to feel embarrassed about! What happened to me was the doing of someone horrible not of my accord and to get it out there helps me to feel stronger, I guess it kind of gives me back some of the control that I lost, if that makes any sense?
Today is day 61 of 70 to the new me and I am not feeling much like a new me, I am still to sore to work out and my body is still doing some weird things(symptoms almost like withdraw), I am still very emotional and every time I start to think about what happened I brake down crying. The hardest part for me is not reimbursing, not knowing where I was or what I was doing and not understanding how it happened. In response to someone comment about the bar having security cameras, I am planning to go over there tonight or tomorrow and speak with the owner to find out if they have cameras and if they would be willing to let me look at the footage. For me at this point its not about catching who did this because I'm okay, but for me it is about knowing what happened and understanding how the night played out. I have always been super in control of everything, my husband stays home and I work so I am very much in control of ever aspect of my life from finances to emotions so for me to have no control over something that has impacted my life and my body in such a harsh way really really bothers me. I still need to speak with my brother in law today also, I have been putting that off because like I said earlier I am feeling a bit of guilt for what he had to go through and I've been told that there where friends of his at the bar that night to so it upsets me that I made him look like an ass with a way to drunk person falling everywhere on him. I know that its not my fault and that I wasn't drunk but not many other people that where there that night know that and that in it self makes me pissed! I am really trying to understand why someone targeted me or why someone would even do something like this to someone. My emotions are all over the place, a mention of the incident or a comment that even hints that someone doesn't believe me really sends me over. One of my co workers over heard me explaining to my boss yesterday and made a joke about "slipping a roofie" in to his drink to party harder and that really pissed me off! Just because I am okay does not mean that I didnt experience trauma and that anyone should joke about giving someone drugs. The whole situation makes me sick to my stomach and just sad. I want to move on from it and I want to forget and just be able to be glad that I am okay but it just doesnt sit right with me that I dont even have a brief story line of the evening to work with. I am hoping that if after I talk to my brother in law that I will have a little better of an idea of the situation and that I will have the closure I need to get past it. I just feel so violated, so taken advantage of and so lonely :(
On the up side of things my DH has pool league tonight- another thing that was completely ruined for me by this happening! I was supposed to join the league but now I'm not to sure if I want to really be in a bar every Tues.- anyway since I'm not feeling like going anywhere near the bar anytime soon I have a special night planned with my little guy! Needless to say I have been very out of it the past few days and havnt really been able to enjoy the beauty and joy of the season with my little guy so tonight we are going to build a ginger bread house!
I am hoping that I will be feeling better and in better spirits by tonight so that I can fully enjoy the love of my life and his sweet face as he builds his first gingerbread house (well actually second my mom did one with him the night I had my incident)
Thank you again for your words of encouragement and support! Please spread the word that this happens still and everyone be careful and take care while your celebrating this holiday season and WATCH YOUR DRINKS!!!