so i usually find myself close to bedtime with a good book - it just helps my mind relax and clear before i close my eyes, because sleep is often hard for me if something's nagging me.

i just had to share this passage from robert b. parker's "family honor" (sorry, can't underline), because this just crept right in to my brain and stuck there. have i always felt that i didn't like things because they were too hard, too tough? and since when have i been afraid of things that are too hard? and wow, how did i read a book that has nothing to do with changing lifestyle, and find this? because, i see it now.

"How come she doesn't just jump over the footstool?" Millicent said. "Can't she jump?"

"She can," I said. "But she doesn't know it. She thinks she can't, so she doesn't try."

Millicent looked at me and didn't say anything. I smiled at her innocently.

"You think I'm like that?" Millicent said.

"Sorry," I said. "But you handed it to me."

"But you think I'm like that."

"You were like that about the pushups," I said.

"I didn't do a real pushup," Millicent said.

"You did six real half pushups," I said. "We work on it regularly and in a while you'll do some real full pushups."

"So what? I hate doing pushups."

"If you can do them, then you can decide if you want to do them. If you can't do them, the decision isn't yours."

Millicent frowned, as if I'd said something mathematical that she suspected was correct but she didn't understand the terms.

"Who cares about pushups?" she said.

"It's more sort of an attitude," I said. "The more things you can do, the more choices you have. The more choices you have, the less life kicks you around."