Confessions are hard...
Recently I stopped blogging because I feel like a fraud and had nothing good to say.
I am so full of willpower in the morning. I eat a great breakfast, I exercise, I drink, I east sensible snacks and lunch. Then by late afternoon, I lose it. I cannot say no to junk food. Something takes over and I can't stop. So, when dinner comes, I overeat. I tell myself the same old thing, "you blew it again, so why try now?" But it doesn't matter what I tell myself, even on good days if dinner is something I like, I just can't stop myself from having a huge portion or even going back for seconds. It is so discouraging! I gain and lose, gain and lose the same 5 pounds over and over again. The scariest part is that I have no control. Many, many addictions are in my family. My twin sister is a recovering alcoholic and narcotic user. My parents are still alcoholics after 40 years of drinking. My brother and other sister can't get through a day without smoking pot, and my other sister just had gastric bypass surgery and is on the road to better health. She weighed over 300 pounds. All of us continue to fight obesity.
Some people tell me not to have the junk in the house. But, I have to tell you, I am very creative. All I need is a jar of peanut butter and some saltines. Albeit, even if they are the "low fat" brands, if you eat a whole sleeve of crackers and a half a jar of peanut butter then it's no longer low fat. I take the "good for you" food and eat so much that it is no longer good for you. So, the "don't have it in your house" does not apply in my case. I can do this with most anything in the house. The other day, I dipped some healthy wheat crackers in real Vermont maple syrup. Believe it or not, its delicious!
Why can't I take the willpower I have for my exercise and apply it to my eating? Nothing stops me from exercising. I can run a half marathon, lift weights until I am begging for mercy, do squats until I can't walk up the stairs. But, it feels like it is all for nothing if I can't change my eating habits.
I feel like a fraud for giving advice on SparkPeople because I really have no clue as to how to change my eating habits. Yes, I have gotten down to my goal weight, but I have to admit that was starving myself for a few days, and then eating way above my range for a few days. I would lose like a pound by doing that, but the next week I am a maniac and stuffing the junk down my throat again. Then the following week I get semi-control and start the pattern over again. I always exercise, sometime to obsession, especially after a binge. So, it look me over 2 years to lose 50 pounds. Yes, I am happy I lost it, but know deep down inside that I didn't do it the right way.
I am discourage because my whole objective when I joined SparkPeople is to stop the Yo-Yoing. And I have not been successful. I read and read all the suggestions I could possibly read. I tape motivational quotes about emotional eating to my fridge.
I just feel like it is hopeless.
I continue to stay active on SparkPeople, but just don't have the spirit anymore because nothing has changed. It is especially horrible during the holidays.
I love the friendships I have made on SparkPeople and the support I have received, but again, I feel like a hypocrite and fraud. I read stories about people beating this and rather than feel inspired anymore, I feel dejected and ask myself over and over why I can't do it.
So that's where I am right now. Lost.