Monday, December 13, 2010
Yesterday marked a big milestone, one I wasn't expecting. I lost 4+ pounds this week making my total 83+ lbs lost since February. 83! That seems like an imaginary number. That is a number that people make their GOAL. "I would like to lose 80 lbs." That is a GOAL, and I still have farther to go. This knowledge makes me happy in that it is a HUGE accomplishment that SHOULD be celebrated, but it also makes me incredibly sad. So much so, that it overshadows that joy. I know that I will be able to celebrate my accomplishment. I will celebrate with a longer run, because I know that 80 lbs ago I would have NEVER thought to RUN. 80 lbs ago, I would have celebrated with chocolate, or cookies or cupcakes. 80 lbs ago running would be something I would do solely because something was chasing me. 80 lbs ago I never would have had the thought to run and then still look forward to Zumba class that night. That is what I am going to do today.
Despite these HUGE changes the sadness lingers. The sadness that after shedding 80 lbs from my body I still have more to lose. Sadness that I lived my life that way. A mourning at the time I lost. There is a sorrow for Fat Girl. What did she do to deserve that kind of treatment? Is that why she rears her head when I about to achieve something HUGE (like crossing that line to One-derland) and tries to stop it? There is a mourning that needs to happen I think. For that poor girl. This is the best I can do for her. I will do what I can to make Fat Girl healthy and happy. It is the most I can do for her because no matter how I used to treat her, she was me once, and I deserve this. After 80 lbs and more tears than I care to remember, I can say with all my heart that I deserve this. Do you know what a break through that is? I know you do.
I can't ask for anything more this Christmas. To be able to look at myself and know that no matter what stands in my way, even if its my former self, I will be able to overcome it. I will be able to share my journey and my story and the lessons i have learned with anyone who wants to hear them. I will reach a healthy weight. I WILL. Maybe for Christmas I will see a 1 in front of my weigh in, but even if I don't, I know that there is always the next week. I know that not meeting a goal that week isn't a failure, it is a chance to do better. There is my Christmas gift to you. Its not a failure. It is a chance to do better. Give yourself the chance to do better next week. Don't give up on yourself. Don't give up on what you want. Make your dreams real through real work, sweat and tears and it will come to you. It will. Trust me. Now if you will excuse me I am going to wipe away my tears and go for a run.