Noun 1. self-flagellation - self-punishment inflicted by whipping
self-punishment - punishment inflicted on yourself
Well, isn't that an apt description...
I woke up a few days ago, and stepped up on the scale to weigh in for a new challenge I am taking part of. Horror of all horrors: 80.3 kg. I got off the scale, thinking that it must be some sick kind of joke. Tried again, nope, still 80.3. Feeling a little nauseous by now. A thousand thoughts racing through my head, because I swore to myself that I would never, ever, ever, ever see that number on the scale again. Yet there it was.
Tried to find explanations for it: less running due to bad weather, stress, sleeping badly, maybe that dessert I had four days ago.
In the end it doesn't matter, because if I'm honest to myself I should have seen this coming. For the past few weeks I have felt some tighter jeans feeling TOO tight and I've felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't like looking at photos of myself, but I forced myself to look through recent pics and that's when I found it.
You all know what I'm talking about. The one that you stare at not quite believing what you see at first, then fighting back tears and in the end some sort of fire starts burning in your belly. The fire of determination, commitment, shame all rolled into one.
I have not tortured my way through Insanity and a half-marathon training program to end up back with those tummy rolls. No frickin' way.
Enter my phase of self-flagellation.
I think a good first step is to increase the amount of cardio. So instead of just doing the P90X workouts, I've been killing myself with an Insanity workout first. And guess what? They really are insane. I have been feeling suitably punished.
Second step is to clean up my diet. I think overall I eat pretty well. I rarely exceed my calorie range, but I think I could pay more attention to the ratio between carbs/protein/ fat.
Third step is to try to reduce the amount of stress I'm under and to get more sleep. Sounds so easy, but trust me, this is going to be the hardest part. That pic above? I crashed the minute I came home from work. Overworked, too little sleep, too little time to focus on what is really important in life.
I started week 4 of P90X yesterday, it's recovery week. Synergistics is on the menu tonight. I've already done Insanity Plyo. And then I will call it a night.
Hopefully I'll be done beating myself up over this soon and can find myself in a happier place. I mean, there is a limited entertainment value to self-flagellation too, believe it or not.