Saturday, December 04, 2010
I am officially as heavy today as I was in 2006 at my heaviest of 150 pounds. That's pretty scary because I remember I got to 150 because I was living in Prague, in a bad relationship, away from family and friends, and totally miserable. I didn't have a job and I would literally wear my jammies for days straight without ever even trying to get dressed or do my hair. I remember the main reason was because I absolutely didn't want to get dressed because non of my clothes fit but I didn't want to go out and buy new clothes because I didn't want to be seen in public. It was horrible, and now my weight is back there... and while I haven't become a complete hobbit yet I do fear the worst. That was a bad place to be.
I think the only thing keeping me from being that bas is that I have a job so every morning I am forced to get dressed... although I still have the problem of all my clothes not fitting and not feeling like I look presentable and wanting to go straight home and hide. I'm also currently experiecing the joy of feeling too fat to exercise. I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm exhausted AND I have no gym clothes that fit. You ask me how it's possible that I don't have a pair of sweatpants that fit but sadly I don't. Even my pair of gym sweats are too small.
I've gained almost 30 pounds in two years and I can only dread how much work it is going to be getting back there, and how fearful I am that even if I make it back that once again a few years later I'll be right back here. I have never maintained weight loss for long.
Happy holidays, right? I'm so afraid of food that everything stresses me out. I feel guilty anytime I eat anything. Makes for a super happy holiday surrounded by food, guilt, binging, more guilt, etc.
I paid for a food delivery service. The food is aprox 1200 calories although they mix it up so it can be as much as 1500 or so. The food is fresh and delivered to my door daily. It's expensive. Very expensive, I pulled it out of savings. I prepaid for 60 days at 5 days a week so hopefully about 3 months worth. I'm hoping this takes some of the stress out of my holidays and maybe can help me drop enough pounds that I feel like I can go to the gym again.