Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Goal weight. Makes my eyebrows knit just thinking about it. I've reached this, so now what? "Goal" as a word itself, is interesting. Hmm. "Touch Down"? No. The ball is still in play.
The game kicked off at a large point spread - starting at 185 pounds and losing a almost 20 in a most unhealthy manner when I finally committed to losing it using healthy methods. The score was higher before and I played at trying to lose it but was getting nowhere. One day it tackled me - I could no longer carry the ball. Literally. It was time to do something and round up my last bit of strength and give it the old college try.
OK, enough of the sports metaphors.
I've reached my 135 pounds after a long journey. It is exciting to reach this point, there is no doubt about that, and in more ways than one. Frankly, when I saw the scale, I cryed. It was a joyful cry, tinged with relief.
There was a lot of processing and self-discovery along the way. Alot of examination of personal motivations. If you've read my other blogs (bless you and I offer my sympathies), you'd know there was alot of luggage from before, from friends' reactions (and my own) to a weird relationship with the whole body image thing. However, none of these were so unique that we haven't all had to face them in our lives at one point or another.
What I've learned here is that it is not a goal that I've reached, not a number on a scale, or the clothing size I could buy (and now wear) but more of a turning point. It's just not over and for the rest of my life I have to make a choice about how I want to live.
The past is the past. I've relearned really, really good habits here, because of SparkPeople and because of all the information now being published by responsible authors and other bonefide weight loss groups. I learned about how the burdens we allow ourselves to carry in life can deeply effect our core, our decisions about our families, our relationships, and our food choices. I learned that some stuff just isn't worth carrying anymore and I've learned I had a choice of what I wanted to replace that stuff with, and that choice is healthy living.
In all this, it is apparent that the aforementioned stuff can't be just discarded. I believe it was Dr. Amen who said on his program (aired on the PBS Fund Raising activities the year before last - or maybe it was Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz or one of those other fad physicians) that when you have a bad habit and you choose to get rid of that habit, you have to replace it with some other activity. For me, this seems pretty on the mark. So I broke down some of the stuff I was carrying about my relationships with people and with food, saw the habits I had formed because of it, and I replaced each habit, one by one, with something healthy. It is important to say however, I'm not ignoring the underlying issues - I am simply re-directing my priorities and putting things into perspective.
A friend congratulated me yesterday and then in the midst of her praise, she asked me, "do you remember what it was like, before you started all this?" The question caught me by surprise. Frankly, I could not. I only had dim memories of trying to fit my size 14 butt into some other unrealistic size and then cursing China for sewing the sizes smaller. I am still wondering today what it was really like back then, but then do I really want to remember all that? It must've been pretty bad, because I was carrying alot of weight on fragile bones (or rather, my couch was carrying the load) and had a deep abiding respect for daytime soaps.
Now as a quasi-active person who turned off the soaps and got off the couch, I can think of no better way to live. I can breathe. I'm not sore from bending down. When I eat something, I don't finish the last bite with regret. My treadmill is actually paying for itself instead of being the clothesline for my delicates. I now know what an endorphin is (its like chocolate, only better). And most of all, I'm ready to move on.
Goal. It is not a score, but it IS evening the score. It is real, it is here now, and it is my turning point. Now, I'm ready for maintenance. Now, I am ready to realistically deal with the number on the scale. Now, I am ready to go clothes shopping to finally replace my baggy grandma pants. Now, I am ready to learn more about the foods I have chosen to eat and the foods I must now add to get my calorie and nutrition levels to maintenance levels.
I am ready, Coach. Send me into the game.