Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Well, going 'off track' is always a problem. I wasn't totally off during my hiatus but it crept slowly in until I was. SOSOld..... Thankfully, I reigned myself back in. Just noticed the sallow skin, the bags under my eyes, the tired, achey, sick feeling ALL THE TIME.....
No more (for now, at least). I'd love to say NO MORE period but I am not SURE. Life knocks you around and when feel that you are floundering around on your own it is OH, SO EASY to fall back into your old ways for just a bit of 'comfort'. Although, it's not really COMFORT at all but it is FAMILIAR and that is enough to make you feel a little better for a very short time. But then, I guess because we have the 'food sickness' it rapidly gets out of hand and BAM! You are right back to abusing yourself and feeling like a worthless FAILURE....and WA-LA - hello, weight gain, self-despair, hatred, anger.....all of it!
I may never get off this roller-coaster ride but I WILL manage into a kiddie-coaster size so it is not so EXTREME! No one can do it but me. I have been reading this bit and it is helpful:
'Be a grownup. Remember that what you put in your mouth is your responsibility. While others may tempt you(by hurting your feelings, making you feel guilty, badgering, bullying, etc.), ultimately you’re in charge of your own life. Look at difficult situations as opportunities to flex your newfound control muscles-- and reinforce the idea that you’re not adopting a healthier lifestyle for someone else, but for yourself.'
I believe it came from a Spark article but I can't remember which one. I notice it is hitting me on a different level now. I have come a long way and I have grown a LOT. I am not a failure, I am just not moving forward as fast as I would like but changing lifelong habits is not so easy, as we all well know. One day at a time. I always have to go back to my mantra - slow and steady wins the race.... I have the slow part down, I just didn't really register until now how crucial the steady part actually is!
I really appreciate you all being there. It is so horrible to always feel so alone. I am not sure why the first thing I do is cut off my lifeline to try to 'protect' myself....ALWAYS backfires, really ALWAYS. This time maybe that lesson will finally sink in and when I start going off track again, and I know I will at some point, I will reach out for help from you guys instead of hiding myself away.
Take care and happy Thanksgiving!