Monday, November 22, 2010
You know I really love Spark People. I keep meeting all of you amazing people who are so kind and supportive - I've never even met you and you guys are kind to me. So thank you, you have no idea how much it all means to me.
I've got today off and was able to get up when Lucy told me she needed her walk. I've also got stuff all set up to work on my make up homework from school. I don't want to do a lot of it because I still don't feel that I deserve to succeed. This semester has been awful, trying to get used to online classes where there's no fixed schedule. I don't have internal motivation, it's all external so having no defined time for class or whatever is really hard for me because no one is expecting me to be there or participate or whatever. I have a fixed schedule job so maybe next semester will be better in that respect.
At 24 all I can think of is that my life is done because I "stopped" moving forward with things. After college instead of living on my own as I had planned out, I had to move back home, then moved back to MN for a month because of a major argument with my father only to have to return back because I was having a complete mental breakdown. Everything this year has been completely effed up from May to now and I just don't see any moving away from all of it. I can't forgive myself or let the past be the past. How do you do it? All I see is a failure of everything at 24. I know that 24 isn't really old. 90+, that's old. So I'm looking at 70+ years of living like this if I don't change and no one can live like that. I've heard too that your twenties are when you figure out everything because you don't know anything and it's your thirties where things start to solidify. I've got 6 years before I hit that era so maybe it's all in stride. Yeah, ramblings and not about weight loss issues, though according to my scale I'm back to 201. Still yo-yo-ing between 199 and 205 is my best guess. Thank you for listening to my ramblings.