Sunday, November 21, 2010
Last night was a pretty sucky blog entry. I've been having a rough time lately. Money issues forced me out of therapy and off my medicine, but then I got financial aid through the hospital (guess the man doesn't want to completely screw over everyone), but I won't be able to start back until December due to work hours changing so scheduling anything yet would be silly. I told people that I quit because I wanted to do things for myself. That turned out brilliantly. Now my entire family knows that I'm a loon. Please note that my terminology only applies to me and no one else, yet another thing that my therapists says I need to change. My negative thinking about myself is pretty detrimental. It's detrimental to Lucy too. I get to thinking I can't do anything and it ends up being I do nothing which isn't good when you have an 8 month old puppy to take care of. She needs her walks, she needs to play, she needs to practice her obedience training. And here I am not doing anything because all I can hear in my head is that I can't do anything. I haven't done Spark People stuff in a week, I failed epically at Nanowrimo, I keep failing at school because I don't feel that I deserve to succeed.
And I don't know why any of this is. I don't understand why I think this way. I don't understand why I can't see what everyone - even those who don't know me personally - can see what I can't. I doesn't make any sense. I was getting better with therapy. I really was. I wasn't upset, I was doing things, things were going well. But 10 days after it all I crashed and I haven't been able to get up again. I know this has nothing to do with weight loss, but I just don't know where to tell these things. I don't write in my personal diary anymore because it doesn't seem worth it at all - this coming from someone who has filled 25 journals over 15 years with things that happened to her. I just wish I knew what to do that would make this all go away permanently. Any team recommendations for this?