Today, in fact most of this week, I am/have been suffering from ennui (lethargy and depression). I know it’s a vicious circle…exercise and you’ll feel better, but I don’t want to exercise in the first place. I don’t feel like it. If I could cross my arms and stick out my tongue like a small child I would. But at who? What? My swiss ball? My healthy brown bagged lunch?
I am mad. Mad at my diet. Mad at my exercise equipment. Isn’t that insane? I want to binge and wallow. I want to snap at anyone that even talks about food. I want a double-decker bacon and pineapple pizza right now!!! I am shocked at these feelings because behind the anger, I know I’ve been doing well.
Rationally, I know I enjoy eating healthy. I also know that eating that pizza will make me physically and mentally sick. I can’t even enjoy a binge because my body rejects the smell of fast food now. I want to yak when I smell McDonalds grease. And I AM ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT IT!
I am grinding my teeth RIGHT NOW listening to some co-workers discussing what’s for lunch. There is ill will against these two super nice people that don’t even know they are doing something that is, but shouldn’t be, so upsetting to me. What’s even worse is that I am mad that I have a choice.
I am mad that I can choose not to eat my self-prepared, weighed, nutritional delicious lunch. I could choose to get that pizza and there is no one that would stop me. Oh, my co-workers would probably plead with me not to, because they know how hard I’ve been working to meet my goals. But still, the choice is mine. I don’t want that choice. That’s what makes this all seem so hard. I want to be told that there is no choice but to eat healthy. I want to be told that pizza is against the law. I want to be told that I could serve time in jail if I eat just one french fry from Portillo’s.
I see now why it is such an accomplishment for some of us to change our lives for the better. Logically, I know the way that I feel about all of this is temporary. Logically, I know that my thoughts are irrational (and dare I say illogical?). But, like I’ve said in the past, you can’t help how you feel.
Thank god for this blog and the ability to write my way thru these feelings. I’m going to lunch now…with my little brown bag