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Humbled..some thoughts...I'm flying...


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Hi!

I am the featured Motivator of the Day and I am so humbled I could cry. What an honor.

We are all in this together and we have so much in common. This is where we can carry on about what's going on and we understand. Not much is bizarre to me. I've probably done it, thought of it, etc.

But you know what? It doesn't matter how many diets I have tried, or how many times I have been this weight, or a higher weight, or a lower weight; how many times this has seemed like a wonderful weight, a terrible weight, a good weight, a bad weight--and it was always the same weight regardless of how I was viewing it at the time! I remember when 188 was a horrid weight! I was obese! I remember when 188 was a terrific weight. Oh, if only I could be 188 again!

I've gotten on the scale and exhaled--thinking maybe my breath weighed! LOL! I've weighed with different outfits on, trying to find the outfit that was the lightest. This was when I was weighing in weekly at Weight Watchers. I would joke that I was willing to weigh naked if it wouldn't bother other people!

Tell people that you used to weigh 300 pounds and they will exclaim over you and how wonderful you look and ask how you did it and tell others about you and they will be so proud of you! Otherwise, they will sneer at you and think you have no will power and wonder how you could let yourself go like that. And yet, you just stood there. You weighed the same with both versions-whether you were on the way up or on the way down.

If one more person tells me it's calories in and calories out, energy in and energy out, they better duck because I might throw my salad fork at them! Losing weight is way more than the sum of its parts. In fact, it doesn't add up no matter how you do the math--unless you starve. I've tried that. Wouldn't it be easier if we didn't have to eat at all? I'm fine--until I take my first bite! When I wanted to stop biting my nails and when I wanted to stop smoking, I would crochet and do other things with my hands. What if I'd had to learn to smoke five cigarettes--no more, no less. What if I'd had to learn to bite only four fingernails? No biting, no smoking, no feeding the bears! Piece of cake. Oops! There must be another expression that doesn't have food in it.

Everything is about food. Let's have lunch. Let's do dinner. Come over for brunch. No. I'm not eating this week. I don't bite my nails. I don't smoke. Hallelujah! I quit smoking on January 13, 1989, at 5:30 p.m.! TWENTY YEARS AGO. I quit eating. I quit eating. I quit eating. But I always started eating again. Rats!

Someone said, "food is my friend." Someone else said, "Well, food just hates me!" Is food your friend? How do you befriend food? It's an inanimate object, for heaven's sake! Geez. It's just sitting there. What gives it power? Well, I guess I do. I want my power back. What stops me? Big sigh.

Don't tell me about using a smaller plate. Don't give me platitudes about nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Poppycock. That one doesn't even make sense. Don't talk to me about small bites. Don't tell a compulsive eater that one may eat anything as long as it's in moderation. Moderation, schmoderation. If I could do moderation, what would be my problem? Are moderate people fat? I cannot eat one cookie. I cannot give up food. But I can give up cookies. Don't tell me about how I will end up bingeing on cookies. That doesn't change the fact that I can't eat one cookie. Shall I binge today or tomorrow? There is more to this problem than the lure of cookies.

Self love? Self care? I love and approve of myself. I take good care of myself. I give myself the gift of a pause. Pause. Before I go where I really do not want to go, I pause. A breath. Just a breath. Do I really want this? Will I still love me in the morning? And, if I go ahead? Yes. I still love me.

And so it goes...AND thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm the FEATURED MOTIVATOR! Woohoo, woohoo, woohoo! Hot diggity dog! I'm flying!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
MORTICIAADDAMS 11/26/2010 4:29PM

    Congratulations!! I'm really happy for you!

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JANC319 11/18/2010 3:04PM

  Ah, my dear spark friend - one of my very first spark friend's and, maybe, the only one left from way back when I first joined SP.
We are still here...that is all I can say.
We haven't given up, we start over every meal, we join this team and that team, read this book and that book, subscribe to healthy newsletters and are forever trying to find the illusive reduced calorie recipe's that actually taste good.
I'd hate to think how much I would weigh today if all of the above weren't true.

I'm so happy you are MOD - you have been motivating me since the very first time I saw that crazy hat of yours!

Much love to you, my dear spark friend
Jan

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TRECECOOKS 11/17/2010 11:02AM

    I love what you said, and I love how you said it. I'm up to 305, obviously am not treating myself well, or engaging in positive self-talk. But I'm still breathing. . .

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JURI62 11/17/2010 8:00AM

    Congrats on being Motivator! I miss you...in fact I'm about to send you a message now!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Judy

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PBGA456 11/17/2010 7:04AM

    Congrats emoticon

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TRACYZABELLE 11/17/2010 5:06AM

    How awesome.... I know I was shocked when I got it too! YOu obviously made a difference to a lot of people! You go girl!

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MISS_VIV 11/16/2010 8:37PM

    Awesome blog. Something to savor over and over again. So well put.
Congratulations on being motivator of the day.

BIG HUGS


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KSGROTHE 11/16/2010 5:08PM

    emoticon on being a featured Motivator of the Day!

I can relate to much of what you said here, especially how you don't think "nothing tastes as good as thin feels" makes any sense! That line has never motivated me in the least, especially since I've never really felt like I was thin!

Keep up the good work, including taking good care of yourself! emoticon

- Karen

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AKIMBERLYQ1 11/16/2010 4:42PM

    Amen

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KATHI214 11/16/2010 1:43PM

    Thank you for saying all those things I have felt about being overweight and losing weight! You expressed it all beautifully. Only someone who has gone through the same thing would understand. emoticon on being made MOD, you have a healthy perspective on all this and it helps others to share that. emoticon emoticon

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MEADSBAY 11/16/2010 1:29PM

    Well, well, well...I certainly will still love you in the morning. emoticon
and the next one, and the next one, and the next...
Whether you are 300 pounds or 130 pounds.
You have articulated the journeys of so many of us, my friend.
emoticon

Comment edited on: 11/16/2010 1:36:01 PM

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CARLI_MAE 11/16/2010 12:50PM

    Well, looka here who popped into my mailbox today!!! Hello Madam Cookie Monster ... hmmmm ... I could go for one right about now, but alas, no cookies. Maybe I can eat these digital ones collecting on my computer with every letter that I type ... I'll let ya know how they taste ;)

Enjoy being a motivator for the day.

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BETHIE_BOO 11/16/2010 12:12PM

    I fully believe that only people with addictions can understand what it is like to be a compulsive eater. Great post!

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RONNIEHUEY 11/16/2010 12:10PM

    emoticon Way to go! Good thoughts spoken here. emoticon

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JELLI-LEAN 11/16/2010 12:09PM

    WOW...that blog blew me away! I believe that is just how everyone of us who are overweight have felt at one time or another. I really wish that every person here at Spark could read this blog! Thanks for sharing!

{{Hugs}} ~ Janel :)

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