I guess I can't say it any better than that. My emotions are all over the place today and haven't quite figured out what is happening inside. This is always a bad time of year for me and it begins with November which is the birthday of my precious Angela - is it that. My father is not well at all and from what my Mom says he looks horrible and she see's no promise that he will or can recover. I agree listening to him from afar. I don't think I am doing well with that for sure. Then Bern continues to have many issues and I know that I am not always doing well with that. I truly think it is a culmination of everything. I think I am having awake up call that I am a tad overloaded emotionally.

My father is prepping this evening for a colonoscopy tomorrow as well as they will send a scope down is esophogus to see if they can find the source of the bleed. If all is well or not problematic then the plan is they will send him to NY by ambulance on Wed. They gave he and my mom paperwork on heart failure today which I am not sure what their response to that is of yet. He is just not thriving - a lifelong unbelievably strong man and I can tell even over the phone that his life strength internally is just not there. He doesn't want to die and yet he hasn't got the strength to pull through living. I don't expect that he is going to make it much longer.

I asked my husband this weekend what it was like not to have your parents living any longer (we lost both of his parents over the past 2 years). I cannot fathom that yet and I know it is nearing. I ask because I cannot imagine life without them. I know that many, many people live without their parents and I will survive and yet I can't imagine what that is like. I lost my daughter - the worst of any life events - and now I face my parents. A very different feeling and yet just as much impact. I am working hard on getting in touch with myself so that I am as ready as I can be when it occurs.

It is so funny that especially here in America we are so ill prepared to deal with death. We are so protected and we don't generally have to even think about it - is this too why we end up abusing our bodies and our health without any thought or just with thinking that it will never happen to us. Something to ponder.

Bern continues to struggle with all these antibiotics. He has had 3 bouts of diarrhea since dinner tonight and that is after having no food since breakfast. He is beginning to lose weight already and we still have many days of antibiotic therapy to go. The effects of the antianxiety are still here with him and we have not re-stared the medication. The doctor wants to wait until he feels completely normal and that is taking its time. His blood pressure continues to be problematic in dialysis and he dropped in the 80's again today.

So sorry about the inner reflection today but it is what it is and somehow it just came to paper without much thought. We are strong and will keep moving forward and take each day as it is intended to be. This is my refuge and thank you so much for listening.