Saturday, November 06, 2010
The truth is I started this journey (again) on March 6th, 2010 as an act of togetherness between myself and my husband. He was going away to get clean and I felt guilty for not being with him during his challenges. I decided to challenge myself. From the time he left until we saw each other again I ate according to my plan and ran 3-4 days a week. I went from a size 24 to a size 16 without him knowing a thing about it. He was touched and surprised when he saw me. Now, 7 months from the start, I am a size 10. And I am having trouble.
The truth is I’m been having trouble. It began with getting close to that magic number 200 pounds. I hadn’t been that close in almost 20 years. It opened up a Pandora’s Box of fears. Who was I and where was I going? What would life be like on “the other side”? What was I going to look like? What we others going to think? And one of the biggest: Did I deserve to be there? The answers I gave myself: I was me going where ever I took me. Life would be fine over there. I was going to look like me only thinner. Who cares what others think. And YES, YES, YES!!! And I got below 200.
The truth is it is still hard. June 24th I was 197. September 30th 176. Only 20 pounds in 3 months. I know that is still wonderful, but I feel like a contestant on the Biggest Loser. It’s great, but not enough to keep me above the yellow line. I can feel myself going back to old habits, too numerous to list. What is it that I am struggling with? Fear of failure? Fear of success? Fear of the unknown? Am I tired of the struggle? Do I want to be “normal”? Am I too far out of my comfort zone? Do I need to find different motivation now that my husband is home? Do I now not feel worthy of reaching my next goal and the ones after that? Is my body trying to get back to its set point? Am I not eating right for my body type? My blood type? For a cave man? All of the above? None of the above? Some of the above? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
The truth is I need to sit down with my inner child/teenager and in a kind and loving way tell her to get over herself. Remind her I got this. I rule the roost that is our body. I will let her know that even though she does not like to go to bed on time, or thinks she would rather eat French fries than kale, she does not get to make those decisions. I am the adult. She does not have to worry about these things. She is the child. Her job is to learn and have fun doing it. My job is to pay the fruit and veggie bill and make sure she has what she needs for her sport of choice. I set the rhythm and she is to go with the flow.
The truth is I miss the endorphins of a good run. And kale. And hummus with carrots. And the almost hyper energy I can have. And the way my self discipline spilled over into other areas of my life. I miss the good ole natural high. So I just had some kale and will go for a run later. Now I will work on cleaning my house.