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New normal stinks, and I don't like change.

Friday, November 05, 2010

I'm trying to find a new normal, I really am.
This summer was a little topsy-turvey. Huge understatement, but as a funny aside, the spellchecker wants me to change 'topsy' into 'tipsy' and 'turvey' into 'turkey', so we could also say my summer was a little tipsy-turkey if you'd rather. I think I'd rather actually: This summer was a little tipsy-turkey. Huge understatement.

Here's a bunch of things that have changed since June and all of its obvious aftermath [for anyone just turning in, some dude just up and left, and it was tumultuous]:

I was granted a leave of absence from my job (and paychecks and health insurance) so I could go to school full-time this semester.
I've found that without the daily stressors of living with someone who's partially psycho, my body is a lot less stressed and I can eat a lot of things that used to bother me (ummm, none of them particularly healthy though) and I haven't had a throbbing/smashing headache in months now.
I've been put on more medications to help manage my ever wayward bloodsugar.
I've painted my kitchen most of the way (ran out of paint to finish); rearranged the living room so my desk is now under the light (DUH! if you want light on your desk, maybe you should move it to the light); put a shelf in the shower and moved my bed by the window.
I stopped drinking so much Diet Coke (down from about 3 cans a week to 2 a month, not on purpose).
My fabulous red running shoes wore out.
I stopped buying happy meals.

There have been so many changes in the last 6 months (not all good, but certianly not all bad) that I don't know what normal is anymore. Normal used to be coming home, waiting to see what someone else was doing, and planning around that. Normal used to be eating soggy burnt stirfry once a week (I don't miss that at all!). Normal used to be pretending that I would run at least once a month. Normal used to be going to work and then going to class and then going back to work and then coming home brain-fried and cranky. There used to BE a normal though, even if it wasn't great.

Now though, through some fault of my own and some not, this new thing I have going doesn't feel very normal yet. Sure, I run every Wednesday night with the local running club, sure I eat something for dinner, sure I come home each night. But seriously? Who DOESN'T eat dinner or come home every night? That's like saying its normal that I breathe. Whoopdeedoo. So much changed so fast, I don't feel like I've had a chance to get my feet back under me yet, and its kind of unsettling. Honestly, I kinda want to UNarrange the living room and put it back to how it was, but that seems silly because I like it better this way. It looks better and there's more space, but its new, and I might have had enough 'new' for now.

There's no way around it though.
If we don't change, the world runs us over (or something like that).
The only constant is change.
He who rejects change is an architect of decay.

Rationally, I get it. But I feel kind of like throwing a 4-year old tantrum right now about it all. I just want some normalcy, and I want someone else to make it happen! emoticon AAAAHHHHHHH!

Now breathe in, breathe out.
In. Out.
In. Out.
Iiiiiinnnnnnn. Ooooouuuuuuuuut.
(Poll: Did you just take a deep breath?)
In.
Out.

Okay. Now letís just try to be rational for a minute here.
I had a lot of changes thrust my way this summer. I mired my way through, and came out standing on top. I can chose to backtrack and get mad all over again and resent the world, or I can remember that I think ultimately what happened was for the best, and that it is my choice to become derailed or not. It would be stupid not to choose the latter.

I then chose to enact more changes (trading work for school, rearranging the house, etc). These were my choices. They serve purposes. Those purposes are worthy. Let me remind myself why: (Seriously, y'all don't have to keep reading, this could get pretty long and boring. Still reading? Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you!)

Non-Summer Caused Changes-
1. Trading work (and paychecks and health insurance) for school will help me to graduate this spring. Graduating this spring means I can run the Seattle Marathon next fall. This is good.
2. Painting my kitchen and replacing the horrid green-with-spots wallpaper for Bahama Breeze blue paint makes my kitchen a lot more pleasant and less of a giant dark hole. Nobody needs a dark whole in their house, its probably bad fung shui or something and you know you don't want bad fung in your house.
3. Putting the bed by the window opened up the bedroom so there was more room-- for me to throw my clothes on the floor? Um, not the intended effect, but whatever. Oh! It also means there's room for 2 people to camp on the bedroom floor, so if I have to house a large gathering of people at my small place, now I can fit in 2 more.
4. Moving my desk under the living room light means that my desk is no longer always in a long shadow. This is nice and its silly that I hadn't thought to move my desk 4 years ago when I put it in the first place and thought "hmmmm, its dark over here". emoticon Better late than never.
5. Putting a shelf in the shower to hold the soap and shampoo looks nice, and it means there isn't slime growing in the corner of the tub under the can of shaving cream anymore. Maybe that's even a health benefit- less slime growing in the shower. Obviously this is a win-win situation and I shouldn't be annoyed at it. (Okay, who on earth has to JUSTIFY why they put a shelf in the shower? This is silly, and I'm going to blame the weather or the moon or something. I don't think I'm usually this odd....)
6. My red shoes ran out. This is normal, and it means I finally ran far enough to wear out a pair of shoes. That's cool! AND, the replacement pair does NOT give me shin splints, which means it really was the shoes and not my legs that were dying.
7. No more happy meals is not because I have suddenly sworn off all fast food, or because I hate processed chicken feet or whatever the current conspiracy is regarding the content of chicken nuggets, its because even though the $3.99 meal is pretty darn cheap, I found that for $22 I could buy enough chicken nuggets and french fries at Sams Club to make 24 happy meals at home. Add a few more bucks for a bottle of honey mustard and its hard to go wrong.
8. My diet has changed because I can eat wheat again. For years I have avoided it because it didn't sit well, but I seem to be back to a fully normal operating digestive system now, with the benefit that I am a much more creative cook because I cooked without for so long. Contrasting thi though is the fact that Iíve stopped cooking. I didnít stop eating, but I havenít seriously COOKED a well-balanced meal (aside from the happy meal) in months. Iím happy with cereal and fruit, or tuna in a bowl.
9. As for my bloodsugar, I finally let my doctor add metformin to my collection of diabetes drugs, and its actually made a noticeable difference. Tastes horrible, but I guess its expected that by 28 years old you can swallow a pill without tasting it. Maybe I'll get better with practice, and even if I donít I think the benefits of this one outweigh the bad taste.

I think thats everything now. And I came up with a good reason for exactly every single change that I have chosen, so whats not to like? It is a lot of changes, some bigger than others, some more enjoyable than others, but all are things that I have been on board with, so I donít entirely understand why Iím all of a sudden balking at them.
Thereís 2 more to come in the near future, the biggest of which will be sending the cats to Pennsylvania to live in some dudeís parentís basement (with the dude), and that will be big and it will hurt, but its also for the best in the long run. They are his cats, and he needs to be the one scooping the litter box and hiding the toilet paper so it doesnít become a toy at night. I was thinking not as a replacement, but as an addition to my home, I would get a hermit crab as my pet (not that 15 guppies donít count, butÖ.) and then I could read accounting chapters to a crab at night instead of to cats. Or maybe a turtle. Nothing furry though. And nothing too needy. And nothing potentially creepy. Weíll see. But again, I can get behind both of those changes, so while they might take some getting used to, theyíre for the best in the long run.

Okay. Iím feeling better now. I still think thereís a lot thatís changed recently, but its all for good reasons, and given a few more months, half of it will seem normal and the other half will have changed again. On that noteÖ
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALIKATZ1963 11/12/2010 11:40AM

    Yes I took a deep breath :)
Wonderful blog. It will take some time but you will get used to your new normal.
Congratulations on all your great New changes for the better.. I can tell you are strong and emoticon

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LOVEFIT30 11/6/2010 10:09AM

    I'm definitely with you girl!!! I HATE chage. Everything about my life right now has changed except for my boyfriend Justin. We recently moved (even though we wanted to move) but everything to the way we commute to work and the route we take, or the grocery store we shop at has changed and this week I was feeling down a bit because of it. They say change is good but I say screw it! Don't fix it, if it aint broke! And I'm not one to really change the furniture around in the living room either. It can stay where it is, because I like it and am used to where it is and it fits into my daily rountine and its normalcy for me.
Go ahead and throw a tantrum. I'll be there giving you a hug :)
Sorry to hear about your guy. Guys like that are cowards and you dont want him anyways. Doesn't mean it doesnt hurt though. Once he realized what he's done, and you've moved on and are happy with some other guy, he will have an apiphany and will apologize.
And for the record, I did breathe! lol

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MARLIE13 11/6/2010 9:50AM

    Are you allergic to fur? That was just one question that popped into my head. You have had an enormous amount of change and I think all of them are for the better...especially the dude part. Tipsy turkey...that's funny. And yes, you normally are this odd...and it's fabulous! lol! You write out your oddness more than I do so you make me feel more normal, when actually, I'm not...I think everyone is in the same boat but there are few that can verbalize it and are probably more enlightened and can recognize it? I should shut up now and drink more coffee. What I'm going to say next was originally going to sound stupid, but after writing the above, I think it will sound completely normal....Ready? My secret is in a candle. When things get tipsy turkey around here which is practically everyday living for us, I light a candle. It smells great (covers up any smell the two cats, one day, and 4 kids and hubby make) and it exudes peace. I put my lace up shoes on, declutter my bedroom (my haven of peace) and then I quickly go to the other areas of the house and straighten up. Even if I don't to the other areas, my one special place is mine, clean, and smells good. I don't know why it is, but if I do this, ALL is right with the world. I can focus and things don't seem so overwhelming.

I'll end this now because I think I can hear you snoring.

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JAQILANTERN 11/5/2010 1:20PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon Hehe. Life has been a little tipsy turkey lately for me too. I like to think of change as evolution or growth. It's not silly to justify things like putting up a shelf. Analyzing the changes helps you realize/reinforce that these are things you are doing to better your life. As small as they may be, you know you're moving in the right direction. There will be a new normal and it will be the normal that you create for yourself with your best interest & goals as the number one priority. Change is NOT easy. Even if you're making positive changes. The process can make us feel resentment toward ourselves for not making the changes earlier or sometimes those baby steps can feel too small or too heavy. It's good to reflect and remind yourself WHY you're doing it and that those seemingly insignificant changes ARE significant and worthy of a pat on the back. emoticon

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GOGOSHIRE 11/5/2010 7:27AM

    Great post! The only thing in life that you can always 100% count on is that things are always changing!

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FAERY_FACE 11/5/2010 4:09AM

    Wow :) You certainly have lots going on and changing, but is sounds really good. At least you know WHY you change things, and although it's hard, it makes you a healthier happier person in the end. Good luck with taking the cats back, you can do it! emoticon

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