Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Have I mentioned I'm a perfectionist? It's something I struggle to get over, because it makes my life a lot more complicated than it should be, but I can't help it. And sometimes it's like OCD, and it gets worse and inadvertently I'll get depressed because I can't live up to the standards I'm setting for myself.
I'm starting to feel that way.
November has presented a lot of opportunities for me, and I want to grab each and every one. An admirable aspiration and even doable, if I didn't work full time or have a husband.
Here's a list of things I'm trying to accomplish this month:
Participate in NaNoWriMo (basically I have to write 50,000 words by the end of the month (2K a day) ). It's day 3 and I have a total of 2,000 words. Behind? Yes, I am.
Exercise at least 30 minutes a day. Sunday I went horseback riding, so that counts. Monday I didn't do anything. Yesterday I did a pretty mild workout on the elliptical (I was still sweating, but it wasn't a hardcore workout by any means.) So, I excused myself for not working out Monday (we all need a day of rest now and then) but I felt like crap all day yesterday. Like I was a failure. And then I was like, "Great, what's going to be your excuse next time?"
Maintain my calorie goals. So far, so good. Though yesterday I had french fries and half of a Snickers bar...hello, empty calories.
Get my finances under control. This is totally not happening at the moment. I have ZERO money in my bank account, my husband didn't work AT ALL last week (he doesn't have any paid time off like I do) and he didn't work yesterday either. I had to put my student loan payment on my credit card (which I told myself I wouldn't ever do again LAST MONTH) and we have a $250 bill due Thursday. I won't get paid until Friday. And I'm just...ARGH! I'm used to being broke, it's the whole breaking promises thing that's upsetting me. I broke a promise by using my credit card and I, honestly, am having a hard time forgiving myself.
And I'm spiraling. I'm stressing myself out so much that I am becoming depressed. NOT a good thing. And the more depressed I become the more I alienate myself from the people who love me (mainly my husband) which completely baffles them. It baffles me, too. I hate making my husband feel like he's not a part of whatever I'm going through, but I don't want to pull him down with me, if that makes sense. But he's not happy and that makes me blame myself...and that just makes everything worse.
I'm trying so hard to get out of this rut, but I think it will mean sacrificing one of those goals up above (namely NaNo) which sucks. But I can't cope. I feel swamped. And I did it to myself.
And, on top of everything, when I'm like this I feel like I don't know who I am or what I want. I feel lost. Adrift. But I'm afraid to reach out to anyone close to me. (Which is why I rant on SparkPeople.) I've been separating myself from a lot of people this week (mostly negative people) because I don't need their help in bringing me down. And, really, I'm just angry. Angry at everything. They say that depression is anger turned inward, so maybe I'm finally learning on how to turn it outward...but probably not at people who deserve it.
I think I need help. Or advice. I need to find a way to let all of this go, to stop fretting and worrying and being a stupid perfectionist, but I'm at a loss.
Do you have any suggestions?