Why I was gone so long and why I'm back
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
So this year has kicked my arse. My dog died in February, I blew out my knee in March, my grandfather (who was also my BFF) died in April, I had knee surgery in May, we were forced by my husband's job to relocate to North Carolina in June, and my daughter started losing her hair in July. That was the last straw for me. Alopecia apparently runs in the family. No one knew it until I began suffering from it as a child. It skipped many generations before it got to me so, never in a million years, did I think my little girl would suffer. But she is. And it was a shock. And I just felt BROKEN over it. I had had enough, I was exhausted. I was angry. And worst of all - for about 3 months - I just quit.
Right now, my (not so) baby girl has lost about 40% of her hair and it doesn't seem like it is going to stop. She is wearing hats to school to cover her bald spots and it is just breaking my heart to see her go through this. It kills me because I know what it is like and I don't want her to have to fight the fight that I did. Only the people closest to me know about it (well and now you lovely folks in sparkland). I cover it well, I lead a good life and I know she will, too. In spite of this. The doctor gives us little hope that she will have any hair left and there is also little hope that it will ever come back. My poor, poor precious little girl. The problem is that people will no longer see her for who she is, all they will see is the poor little bald girl. Everyone she meets will think she is going through chemo or something. Thankfully, that is not the case. But now, she is the new kid, in the new school, trying desperately to make friends while she is slowly looking more and more different than all of her schoolmates. I hurt for her. I cry for her.
I think I truly became clinically depressed and I don't want to see a doctor and I don't want to take medicine and, DEAR GOD, I prayed - please make me feel better! So I started running again - chasing that runners high - the natural rush of endorphins that can help kick these terrible thoughts out of my head. I wanted to be proud of myself again and I want to be healthy again and I am TIRED of feeling sad and defeated all the time. So here I am fighting to get my life and my health back. I am so sorry I missed you guys for so long and I am terribly sorry if I let any of you down. The only remedy is to pick myself up by my bootstraps and try again! And I can. And I WILL.
Thank you spark friends for sticking with me. It means more than you know.