Monday, October 25, 2010
This is ridiculous. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. There is nothing wrong with my thyroid, I've been trying really hard to eat better the past few weeks...I just don't know.
I went to a 70th birthday party for Paul's wild and fun Uncle Jim on Friday night. My friend Shannon, who has lost a lot of weight this past year and looks fabulous was sitting with me at one of the tables. I am really happy for her, but at the same time I felt like everyone was looking at ME because I (felt like) I was the fattest person in the room. I couldn't believe how self-concious I felt. I had a few tostitos with spinach dip and felt incredibly guilty. When we got in line for food, I felt like everyone was judging what I was going to eat. This was absolutely absurd thinking, but I couldn't help it. I felt like everyone was thinking, "Look at her, why is she eating that?" I have never felt like this before. Eventually I felt better but it really disturbed me. And then to top it off I step on the scale this morning and discover a 1.5 lb. gain from last week. I can't do this anymore. I don't understand what's happening to me and why. I was on my feet all day yesterday doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, decorating, etc. and by the end of the day my heels hurt so badly I could barely walk. They still hurt a little today. I know it's because of my weight. I am so depressed on the inside because of this. I don't really show it on the outside but I can feel that I'm sad. I hate feeling this way. I am supposed to be going to try on dresses for my wedding soon and I am dreading it. This is supposed to be an exciting and happy time! I am terrified! I can't bring myself to do it! I don't know what I'm going to do.
In the meantime, I'll be pondering my next move.