Friday, October 22, 2010
So, here I sit, finally able to relax for a few days… It’s a weird feeling. My mind is all over the place right now, and I’m pretty sure that will be reflected in my writing, but perhaps it will make sense on some level.
I just finished my Sports Law final which was the last of my assignments for this cycle of classes. I begin my next set of classes on November 1st with chemistry and a class called “American Popular Culture”. I’m not sure what it is other than it filled my last social science requirement and was less likely to infuriate me than the Human Sexuality class!
If you’ve been keeping up with my postings on Facebook you know that the weight continues to come off. Right now, I’m down 68 pounds which leaves about 47 to go to reach what I believe will be my goal. Somehow that doesn’t feel like as big of a number as it used to. One of the wise ladies on the 3fatchick website says, ‘I can’t lose 100 pounds, but I can lose 10 pounds, 10 times.’ 47 pounds doesn’t seem like very much compared to the 115 pound original goal.
I’ve been thinking about “eyes” lately—how we look at things, how we see others, how we see ourselves and how God sees us. Someplace in the back of my head, I hear the voice of Thomas Smith, my 1st year Biblical college instructor, talking about the ‘Father eyes’ and if I think to hard it mixes with the song by the same title as sung by Amy Grant. Yeah, I know, it’s a little weird but I think there’s a lesson in it.
When I began writing this blog, I chose the name “In My Daughter’s Eyes” because I had this profound awareness of how everything I do and say is viewed through the eyes of my daughters. And it scared me! There’s a country song out now about a little guy that’s imitating his daddy in his colorful language and the father asks ‘where’d you learn to talk like that?’ to which the little guy replies, ‘I’ve been watching you…’ Perhaps this was in some part why I felt I needed to make some changes… my daughters are watching and I don’t want them to struggle with the things I have struggled with most of my life.
As I’ve continued on this journey, I’ve become acutely aware that other people are watching too. For a variety of reason, I felt compelled to take this particular journey of weight loss in a public way. At first, I thought it would help hold me accountable—which it has. But lately, I’ve come to understand that I’m not doing this journey just for me. There’s a bigger picture which I am only beginning to glimpse a corner of.
Hum, this is going in a different direction than I thought it would when I started…
Maybe I should go back and explain what got me thinking about this topic most recently. I have been having a difficult time seeing my body as it is now. I know it’s not where it needs to be and I do know I have lost a lot of weight and I am smaller than I was, but mentally, I just don’t grasp the difference. I still see myself wearing those size 24 pants and them just being a little loose rather than being the size 18’s I’m wearing now. I have a hard time looking at another woman with similar body composition and seeing that we are the same size, or in some cases that I’m smaller than she is.
I don’t really think this is due to some unhealthy body image, but rather just the results of some very quick changes. Perhaps I understand now how someone feels after having gone through a weight loss surgery. I expect that it will come into focus better as time goes on though I do find myself at a weird stage. I’m about as low in weight and small in size as I have been since before Christina. (This does exclude the time right before I got pregnant with Charlene when I had lost about 50 pounds and then, proceeded to put it and more back on after I gave birth.)
What this means for me is that I have no idea what I will look like when I reach my goal weight. Quite frankly, the dress I wore for the Autumn showcase and the way it fit was as far as my vision could take me. The only other goal I could have is to fit back into my wedding dress, but I don’t know if that will ever happen because having 3 children changes your bodies in ways that don’t always change back afterwards, but we’ll see. I’ve even had a couple of really sweet people giving me caution about not losing too much weight! Now, I know that I still need to lose weight and I believe that the goal I have set will be a reasonable percentage of body fat, but what will that mean for my body? That’s a good question! I guess we’ll find out in about March!
All of this trying to envision what I will look like at my goal as well as how some things will work out in the future along with some close friends that are going through some major decision making times in their lives has got me thinking about how God sees us and even to a greater extent, how He sees beyond our vision.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a conversation with a friend about how it was kind of nice to feel like I was getting back into doing things. I’ve got involved in some projects at church and I’m feeling a bit more like the Marion that most of my friends in California or even Colorado would know. But I said that I felt like I had enough on my plate and I shouldn’t make any further commitments. Well, of course, God with his vision was laughing because it would only take a matter of hours before it was clear that I would have more on my plate.
I can’t see myself wearing size 16 pants because I haven’t worn them since high school and it is just out of my ability to process right now but I couldn’t see living us living in Japan—or Iowa! In the summer of 2009 when Dana was unemployed, I couldn’t see how drastically my life would change in a little over a year. Some days, I can’t see how I’m going to accomplish everything I think I need to do or how one challenging situation or another will resolve. But, The Father sees it all! He knows how it is all going to work out.
So what’s our job in all of this? I think it’s to live in the present moment and ‘don’t be afraid’. Did you know that’s the most common phrase in the Bible? And yet, how many of us are worrying or fearful about something that may or may not even happen? Moment by moment we can only choose to make the choices and take the actions to do what we know needs to be done at that moment.
To tie this back into my weight loss journey, I can’t see what I’m going to look like when I get to my goal weight anymore than I can see exactly what our lives will look like in a year or two or five. Ultimately, does it matter? I can simply set goals or have pillars of where I think I need to be heading and then respond in humility as God laughs because he has the map and I just tried looking at it without my glasses and more importantly without His eyes.