Friday, October 22, 2010
It's been almost 3 weeks since I delivered by sleeping baby. He was almost 5 months. Everyone keeps telling me the same thing..if you need help just call. How can I ask someone else to help me when I don't even know how to help myself? Some ladies from work brought dinner over tonight and when they left I just sat there and cried because it meant that they really cared. It's like a small thing saying that it's ok for me to still be upset. I keep beating myself up thinking that I should be 'getting better' and yet there are days where I can't stop thinking about him and can't really focus on anything else. I end up sitting in bed, curled up with alan(my 3 year old) and just crying on and off. Some days it's a matter of trying to ignore the emotions just so I can make it through the day. I know it will get better..everyone keeps saying so anyway..but when? Someone asked me the other day how many kids I have and I didn't know how to answer..do I answer and say I've had 5 or do I take the easy way out and say 4? If I say 5 then it turns into an awkward conversation but saying 4 makes me feel like I'm cutting him out of the picture. When will the pain get better? How do you heal from something that never goes away? How do you mourn a child that will never be?