Sunday, October 17, 2010
So. I've been stressing, and have some thoughts to get out. Hopefully this will make me feel better.
Basically, if I don't lose like three pounds this week, I'm going to freak out. I've been working so hard this week, and yet having enough little inconsistincies to where I feel insecure and guilty (like not drinking enough water today, not exercising, having some pasta, etc.). The thing is, no one thing that I've done has been terrible by any means. BUT I'm afraid that it will all add up to a dramatic LACK of change. I think I'm paranoid because I haven't been keeping track of everything. I definitely am resuming that tomorrow, to give me peace of mind.
I have so many things in my life that I need to start doing and am not, so I feel guilty. And if I can't lose a nice chunk of weight this week, I'll be so frustrated. I just need to get past these eight pounds as quickly as possible, because I've been in the 220/230's for 10 months, always yo-yo-ing, and never ending up pushing past it. I need validation, and I need it NOW. Then, I feel like things will be...virtually smooth sailing for a while. I just want to get the ball rolling again, you know?
I like CONSTANT and INSTANT gratification with things, and am extremely impatient, and am edgy and distracted when I don't get gratification. It has been SO hard waiting to weigh myself once a week. I weighed myself every day last week and wasn't excited or motivated about it, but now...losing these few specific pounds is so important to me, that I compulsively want to step on the scale. It's making time move so slowly, it seems. Tuesday can't get here fast enough. :( I don't know what to do to stop thinking about the weigh-in.
Not only that, but...it's kind of embarrassing, but I'm talking to this pretty amazing guy online, on a dating site. I have NEVER dated or been asked out before, so of course the whole situation is a bit odd for me, even though we're merely messaging each other and there's a slim chance he'd ask me to meet up with him in person, BUT I do keep the thought in the back of my head, and it's nerve-wracking. I'm photogenic, and look better in my online picture than I do in-person. I know that love isn't based on looks, BUT attraction is a huge part of a relationship. And, people can't help who they're attracted to! Even if we would be perfectly compatible, me being like 100 pounds overweight could kind of just...keep the love bug from fully launching. I hate that crap about "someone will love you for who you are on the inside," it has nothing to do with that. People CAN'T HELP it. The only thing I have going for me is that if my personality is appealing to him enough, it will make me seem more attractive. But, that only goes so far.
And, I HATE when people act like I have to lower my standards just because I'm fat. I am intelligent, unique, nice, passionate, and I shouldn't have to settle for a guy who just got out of prison for molestation and has weeping pustules all over his hairy hunchback. That's not fair to me, and frankly, it's not fair to ANYBODY. If I wanted to settle, I could have been with people by now.
It took me a long time to realize why girls who were nearly 400 pounds, with bad grooming habits and dumb as bricks had boyfriends and I didn't. Because, I wanted better boyfriends than the ones they were dating. It was so sad watching these girls date guys that they thought they loved, when, if the girls were better looking, they wouldn't have given the guys the time of day. It's a forced attraction. They might not even realize deep down that they're settling, but they're just falling into place. That WILL not happen to me. If it takes me losing weight to gain some confidence and turn some heads of men that are actually worthy of my love and attention, then so be it. I've weighted over nineteen years to have a first date, first kiss and first love - and I can wait forever. It's all or nothing. Of course, I realize beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But, I've had no offers thus far. There are so many weird things with weight and attraction. Like, as long as attraction is established and love is allowed to blossom, it really doesn't matter if the couple gains weight, they still love each other the same. BUT, the attraction needs to be established beforehand. Psychology and human sexuality/relationships are fascinating.
In other news, I have severe daddy issues. My biological father abandoned me when I was young. He's full-blooded Perisan. I rarely am in contact with his side of the family. In fact, one of the reasons my dad doesn't keep in touch with me is probably related to the fact that - according to my mom - he has a slight phobia of fat people. BUT, I discovered something interesting concerning that side of the family and my weight loss journey. My cousin Katherine on that side is 22 years old, and also half-Persian like me. I was browsing some pictures of her online, and suddenly realized....we have the exact same nose! Mine might be just a tad bigger (which might change when I lose weight)! I had always wondered where the uniqueness of my nose had come from, and I finally found it in my COUSIN. She is so pretty! I didn't know that my nose could look that cute on a thin face! And, I showed pictures to my mom, and she bets her life that I'm going to be prettier than her when I lose my weight. I couldn't imagine that, although, we look like we could be sisters already. So, that's kind of inspiring and neat to think about. :) Maybe I'll post pictures and get your opinions sometime!