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WIN : How I got here blog...

Friday, October 15, 2010

All growing up I was never the skinny gal. And when the time came, I blossomed before all the other girls, and quite "well". I will never forget that first trip to buy a bra. I literally was in tears the whole time. Because of these LARGE boobs, I got teased a lot. Comments from boys all the time. Not to mention just not fitting in with the girls my age. I also hated sports, and loved food. In high school I joined the guard with the band and was fairly active and actually started dieting (anyone remember that horrid Cabbage Soup Diet where you could only eat certain things on certain days?! UGH!).

After high school I got married, to the jerk (he doesn't even deserve a Capital letter). Let's just say that it was ABUSIVE verbally and physically. When I left him nearly a year later I had put on some poundage and still clearly remember him saying "you'll always be a fatass". Ugh. That was the start of a LONG 16 years of hell and weight issues. I will always remember how thankful I was for that day our divorce was final!!!

Let me also state that I don't remember numbers...I'm terrible like that. I'm not even 100% sure I weighed back then. As you can tell my memory is a blur when it comes to that time and thereafter. He screwed my head up pretty bad. I'm sure I can dig out my old Weight Watcher membership that would say, because after I split from the jerk, my Dad made a deal with me. He would pay for me to go to WW with him, as long as I lost. When I gained, I would have to pay that week. He also gave me the deal that when I hit goal weight he would buy me all new clothes.

Well, being 18, I didn't care enough I guess. I wanted to hang out with my friends and party and what-not. So that didn't last long. Never reached goal. Quite a bummer too! I sure would've loved NEW CLOTHES!

YEARS go by, of course my weight goes CRAZY and I'm "dieting" the whole time, but again never remembering numbers (I suspect 200's?). Enter new boyfriend. We fall in love, get engaged and I work on losing some weight for the wedding. I suspect I lost about 20lbs with WW'ers and working out (Gutts and Butts classes!). After the wedding, well...who cares anymore...right?

New husband and I want to have a we start trying to conceive. Ugh...NO LUCK?! I do too much research and think we'll have to go the IVF route. I'm crushed, depression hits...and the weight really starts to pile on. My all time highest (not pregnant) was 222 (that I have written down) in 1999 and 2000.

I finally got pregnant using a fertility drug, but miscarried VERY early on. New husband and I start to have serious problems. I start focusing on myself and I start to lose weight again, using WW. Dropped about 40'ish lbs before realizing new husband is a drug addict and is arrested. Talk about eye opener. My whole world is turned UPSIDE down. We were buying our FIRST home, thanks from the help of my parents, and now he's turned out to be a jerk and a druggie?!!! WOWOW! As you can guess the weight starts to roll back on, up to 217 (that I can find written). New husband and I decide to divorce. Too much deceit was there and other issues. Again...thankful for the journey, but even more thankful for the end!

In 2002 I start down the road again, and manage to lose almost 45lbs! I am on FIRE and feel wonderful. Get a new HOT boyfriend (can we say boy toy) and down another road. Eventually I find out the boy toy is um...10 years YOUNGER than me. But I have already fallen in love with him. This becomes the start of the worst relationship...even worse than the jerk. VERY abusive kid who has some serious authority issues, not to mention lack of morals. WHY I stick with this toy for so long still is a question in my head. But I got down to my all-time new low of 167!!!

Wouldn't you know that losing all that weight, and uh...having a boy toy would make it so I got pregnant?!! WOWZA! But we lost that baby, and a few months down another pregnancy. You can bet between the abuse I went through (physical), the depression from suffering 3 miscarriages and beginning to think I will never have children started taking a toll on me. I regain and lose the same oh 20lbs for some time. And then finally, I get pregnant again. This time I deliver (4/28/05) a healthy and happy bouncing baby boy (weight at delivery 233!). He became EVERYTHING to me. I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am that God decided I could be this beautiful baby boy's Momma!!!

The AH HA moment finally hit me. This kiddo will be looking up to me, learning from me, and depending on ME. 8 months into his life I kick the boy toy out and decide we are MUCH better without him in our lives. There is something wrong with a guy if he thinks it's okay to beat the sh*t out the Momma while holding the innocent little baby and the baby is screaming about it.

This began the real journey. Yes...the journey where Mandie finds Mandie. Where I learn how to take care of myself because now I am responsible for this little guy. He will be looking up to me. I want to show him that Momma can take care of herself as well as him. So now enters the new Mandie! I'm kicking butt and taking names. The boy toy continues to try and screw up my life (yes even to this day!), but the little guy (who becomes the big boy later) and I are doing GREAT on our own!!! Amazingly I'm down to my LOWEST ever to 155 (Spring of 06) ! WOWOW! I am on fire happy. For once I feel I really know what I'm doing, and really doing!!!! Exercising and eating RIGHT, making myself and my baby happy... who cares I'm a single Momma...I'm doing 100x better without the boy toy!!! I am beyond thankful that I've finally gotten my life on the right track and I'm doing a pretty good job of raising my son!

Then lo and behold the Hunney and I match up! This is truly like the sunshine after the rain. I can't even begin to tell you how different and how wonderful this guy is to me and my son. WOW! I haven't felt happiness like this ... well ... ever! We fall in love...and of course my weight stops, but at least it maintains. I'm comfortable...and oh so happy. THANKFUL.

In August 2006 I find myself pregnant again. WOW! I think the weightloss had to do with LOTS for my body!!! We're not so sure what to think and feel about this pregnancy, since we are a new couple...but we accept it. We end up having a rough patch...but again, we're a fresh couple...but very much in love. Guess who stopped caring about eating right and exercising?! I was so afraid I'd have another I stopped working out immediately. And slowly but surely I started eating all those "bad" foods all again. I gain about 60lbs with the pregnancy and end up delivering another beautiful bouncing baby boy (5/7/07) weighing in at 213lbs. How thankful I was to again be blessed by God to be responsible for this little guy!!! I can't even express the gratitude and happiness I felt.

After my little guy comes, you can bet Momma is more than motivated to lose the weight again!!! Once the Dr gave me the okay I started working out, got a personal trainer, and really went to town! In August 2007 the Hunney proposed to me, and then I was even more determined to get that baby weight off!! We were going to become a family!!! I have never felt more! The guy of my dreams is going to be mine!!! I am cranking it now!

In March 2008, I got down to my pre-pregnancy LOW weight of 155 and we headed to Vegas and got married! When we returned from Vegas I ran my first ever 5k, and then my wonderful husband let me have a girls night out less than a month after our wedding...and I was on cloud 9!

Unfortunately in June 2008 our home was flooded. We had to demolish the house and start fresh. It was a LONG 10 months...and we spent it in my parents basement. It tested our marriage, our faith, but we came out ahead. We have never been more thankful for where we are now.

Well, you can imagine how tough, stressful and out of whack I went living with my parents. It was their family of 4 (my brother and his son plus my parents) and then my family of 4 all under 1 roof. Let's just say it was the toughest thing I've yet to endure. Cooking for 8 sometimes 9 and 10 when my step son would be there and my brothers other son...gulp!

Well, during these stressful times I regained 20'ish lbs. But I never stopped trying. I continued to crank it out and work my butt off. I truly know how to eat right and exercise, and that by doing so I can and will lose weight.

In March this year, the day after my 2nd anniversary. I find out my husband is having an affair with a 22 year old at his work. I'm completely crushed. There are no words to even tell you how crushed I was. He left.

It took A LOT of time, friends, family, prayers and most importantly my 2 little boys looking so sad up at Momma to start to heal from within. I realized I can do this alone...and that God wanted me to go down this road. I had 2 beautiful boys that needed Momma to make sure they are happy and healthy. And finally I start living again. I am happy to say that for the past 6'ish months I have done a pretty good job of maintaining (+/- the same 8lbs), at one point I even hit my new adult low of 153.8 a few weeks after he left. I'm just happy that for once in my life I didn't turn to food to get out of the misery I was in.

Another path is now being taken. We are trying to work through things at this point. We are going to counseling, and working on the marriage. I don't know where it will lead, but I am doing this for my family. It's not easy, but I think it's worth it.

I'd also like to make note I still have VERY large boobs. And I hate them tremendously. ALWAYS have. I feel that I've tried to hide them behind my weight. I have said for as long as I can remember I am going to have a breast reduction. Well, I'm about to make that call to see where to start. I'm OVER trying to hide them. I hate the way they make me feel, physically and emotionally. I just have to take that step and DO IT. It will only make me feel more comfortable in my own skin.

I'm currently at 154...and 25'ish lbs from my goal. I know that by realizing food isn't going to make me or my life any better and how good exercise makes me feel, I will be able to do this!!!
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WRENRAMON 10/18/2010 12:13AM

    Wowza! Thanks for sharing all of this Mandie. I feel like I know you so much better. I am sorry for all of your troubles but I'm so glad that you have two wonderful boys to share your life with. Love and hugs, Elisabeth

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ZURDTA- 10/17/2010 5:58AM

    I sincerely hope that you and your hunny make it through - IF it feels right that you can forgive and move on and regain that trust. You have been through so much - and have HAD to become a very strong woman in the process. You know you can pretty much deal with anything life throws at you, but it really is time for a break. Time to get some well deserved happiness.

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PRETTYPITHY 10/15/2010 10:02PM

    Thanks for sharing, Mandie! How is the smoking going? I'm proud of you--you are such a strong woman!

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SGTSUNNY 10/15/2010 9:34PM

    Thank you for sharing your story! I hope it will work out with you and your hunny! You have a wonderful attitude and I know you want to be the best possible role mode for those sweet boys. Keep up the great work and show them by example how it is to be healthy, strong and happy!

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UNICORN212 10/15/2010 8:57PM

    Wow - that has certainly been a wild roller coaster ride! I hope the future is more steady for you and the boys. Make sure you find and fix the problem that caused the infidelity. Then you can work on trust - remember it has to be earned....

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AMBER281 10/15/2010 8:37PM

    Wow Mandie you have been through a lot. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Keep up the positive attitude because it will ensure that you will be successful on your journey! You can do this!

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BJW-FARMGIRL 10/15/2010 6:31PM

    Oh, Sweetie, I just ache for you, with all you've been through. Thank goodness you're here, where we can give you virtual((((hugs)))). Keep being the amazing woman you are, and raise those boys up right- to respect and honor their women. We love you, Mandie. Keep your chin up and keep sparkin'. You are a warrior!

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MNGIRLIE 10/15/2010 5:35PM

    You've really been through a lot. Thanks for sharing your story with us. You are a strong woman! Keep up that positive attitude. You can do this!

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KSGROTHE 10/15/2010 5:09PM

    Wow, Mandie, you've been through a lot! emoticon

I love how after all you've been through, you still have such a positive attitude and such enthusiasm! I just know you can reach your goal! emoticon

- Karen

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PATTIJOR74 10/15/2010 4:50PM

    You are an amazing woman! I wish you the very best! emoticon

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TERRIJWALL224 10/15/2010 4:30PM

    omg mandie...I was only able to get through half of this and now it is time for me to go....i will read more and comment later.

seems we had a lot more in common than I thought.

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_MSAPRIL17_ 10/15/2010 4:28PM

    Thank you for sharing your story. That is not always an easy thing to do. I wish the best for you, no matter what path that may lead you down!!

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HALFFAST 10/15/2010 4:22PM

    I admire you for sharing your story, and that's one bouncy ride you've been on! While I have never been physically abused I could definitely relate to the mental abuse and the cheating. Been there, done that, SLAMMED those doors closed! You can't open the door for Mr. Right if you're stuck behind a door with Mr. WRONG!

And I also agree with Sukoto- you are totally worth it!


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  Wow..that's really all I can say, oh and how strong you are! Keep your head up. My fiancÚ's mother is going through almost the same thing with her now ex, she's pitiful. I hope things work out in the end for you and your family..glad to hear some things are worth working on!

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BETHKK 10/15/2010 4:13PM

    Mandie, girl, you are one STRONG and FIERCE woman!! It is astounding that you've come through such hard times with the determination and positive outlook that you have! You are an inspiration!


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SUKOTO 10/15/2010 4:00PM

    wow....I just relived the last 10 years of your life. What a roller coaster ride. I can't believe that there are men out there who abuse their wives. I could never imagine laying my hands on my wife...ever. I'm really glad that you found someone who is more stable and loving and it sounds like you are on the right track now.
Keep up the good work. You are totally worth it.

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